judgey mcsmirchers

an environment of exclusion hiding in plain side, masquerading as one of inclusion. they are all around us. sheeeeesh lowisss now that right there sounds like i require a tinfoil hat (waves hands in the air ”theyre all around us they’re all around us”) yes i see that but let me raise you a do you see that? Lemme splain. Workplaces coffee shops bars families groups clubs centres all of the all the things m’kay? Im going to try to sway to the positive side but i may venture into the shitty little truth of the matter. All of these various social settings, environments ( for lack of a better words that i cant seem to wrap my noggin around at the moment) that you fell at home in or included in or a part of maybe you feel at ease there, maybe you try to but secretly harbour in your pocket that little weasel bitch self doubt nibbling away at your guts. your know your gut, the one that always knows when something or someone is not quite copacetic. Your gut, not your head or your heart, but deeeeeep in the middle of your middle. That part of you knows, if you change one single thing, you may be cast out if you stray from the mark one iota it becomes all ugly duckling and you might just be shunned. or its been happening the whole time and those people who play at being “your tribe” aint. or really they are but they judge the shit out of everything and everyone, and maybe you in fact are one of those people. If you are and you know you are and you know you are just kind of shitty to people all around, fucks sakes stoppit. I really don’t care how amazing you are, that does not make you better than that person who makes less money than you, isn’t quite as composed as you isn’t quite as “normal” as you or is too “normal” (yes people do this too) I’m right there with the rest of us, we all pull out our pointy fingers and shoot our judgement guns at people all willy nilly sometimes, when we aren’t quite awake or aware in that moment of smuggery. But hey, lets do our best not to be self righteous assholes okay. Even now some people might be reading this and judging the shit out of my grammatically incorrectness. hhhhm hhhhme hmmm you might be saying snicker snicker what the firk does she think she’s doing spewing out this nonsense. Welllllll, I’m going to do it anyway, and you there judging me, well lookeee here at me judging you right back. Vicious little cycle isn’t it!! So i guess the whole point of my running diatribe is actually do your best to be inclusive, don’t pretend to be inclusive. don’t be all bullshitty with your i love everyones. try. to. be. kind. ya know what? you will feel a whole lot better about yourself if you do…so think of it as being selfish if thats what ya need….and by being kind even though your intent is to feel better about yourself, well shit damn thats going to work anyway! Thanks for reading, and hey if you wanna judge, I’m okay with that. But extra super big thanks to those of you who aren’t.

P.S. Prose today

Hows That for Grammatically Incorrect

i think you think because i choose to use “colourful” expressions like ya gotta shit ton and great balls of fuckery and fuck in varying degrees of infucktion with relish and gusto and that with pure joy I will ride a plastic dolphin in a two piece bikini chuggin a king can with a smoke hanging out the side of my mouth simply for the fuck of it that its okay for you to call me trailer. i think you think that that I am just a bit less than you. Well little darlin, I see your smuggery and I raise you the bird. you perfectly waxed and polished terd. like you don’t poop. Now Listen. about that plate of shit you dole out so fervently and carelessly passing down to each and everyone around you. your rotten gifts of judgement and condemfuckingnation self serve you a foul purpose. rotting you festering. on the inside where you allow no good deed left unpunished. no stray glee left unmolested. I can smell it on your breath, your bitter decay. each and every stray hair that dare to poke out from the mould you pluck promptly. efficiently.  its painful to watch really. I See You. ya gotta shit ton of work to do. Now go. and take your appropriateness elsefuckingwhere.

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switch hit

its a beautiful day. the sun is shining the birds are chirping and I’m feeling pretty dern fantastic. that will change. i could change in five seconds it could change in a week but that will change. we cant hang onto or remain attached to feeling “good” all the time. happy all the time joy all the time. every moment is fleeting. i think we run into trouble when we hold one emotion to a higher standard than another. as though happiness is more valuable than sadness. each are equally important, even though one obviously feels ‘better’ than another. but why? what does that really mean…listen friends, i don’t exactly have this down to any sort of fie science. I’m exploring an idea here in this moment with you. what does it really mean, these feelings, what is the difference between these emotions, they are all simply feelings. so I’m doing some digging. for instance i like the feeling of being hot more than i like the feeling of being cold. Why is that? i know its not the same for everyone. lots of people prefer the cold to the heat…why? i cannot abide feeling cold. maybe there is some scientific explanation for this. I’m sure there is. regardless, i place the value of feeling heat above feeling cold. I take comfort in it. why the fuck is that? is it because i feeeeeel more when i am cold? yadder yadder. it would seem i don’t really know where i am going with this conversation today. whatev’s. this is what my brain is up to in this moment and I’m sharing it with you, I’m sure someone out there will grasp my rambling meanderings.so yeah..ummm….take for example a rainy day, some days i enjoy a rainy day, but most times the grey skies make me sad. does that mean on somedays i am simply more comfortable with being sad? lots of people love rainy days…but does that grey sky make them sad as well…in which case do they prefer the feeling of sadness to a sunshiny happy day? does that mean sadness actually makes some of us feel happy? happiness in the sadness? that must be a possibility. and does that mean it is simply a case of what we are comfortable with? is comfort the same as happiness? mmmmmm….i don’t think so. so is it a case of preconditioning? like what we are used to brings us a state of seeming joy, when ist actually just a case of deeply intrenched neuropathways (obv i don’t know exactly what I’m really talking about as i cant even spell that bitch, so please do take everything i say with a grain of salt as I’m simply snuffling about sussing it all out) feel me? i dunno. i guess what I’m saying is everything is fleeting, emotions are ephemeral, so why do we try so damn hard to hang onto the ones we like and resist the ones we dont? maybe ask yourself that the next time (or maybe its this time) you are having an emotion you’re not particularly fond of. sit with it and suss out the truth behind it.

p.s. poetry

olly olly oxen free

oh foolishly
the years spent
weeding out
the ugliness
in me
masochistically

the time
wasted
vanquishing
the monsters
i hide

this relentless
pursuit
to capture
to cast out
the pieces of me
id rather
you not see

i didn’t know
didn’t you know?
I’m everyone
savages we

cry about it why don’t you, fucks sake

Grief is. hmmm. i wanted to say grief is a funny thing but its not really is it? okay so by funny, I’m sure you know what i mean, grief is unpredictable, grief is relenting and relentless when its time to feel whatever it is you need to feel the loss of. you can try to push it away, you can try to ‘suck it up’….(do your best not to do this btw…the suck it up thing, harmful in the long run) you can try to pretend you don’t feel it. but grief is there, all of us have it, all of us. I’m talking about grief in the traditional mourning the loss of a loved one sense, but I’m also talking about the other kind of grief. the kind of grief when you realize someone isn’t who you thought they were, the type of grief that comes with heartbreak, the type of grief that comes with a new job, the leaving of something behind, the loss of something held close to your heart.the putting your hand over your heart and feeling what needs to be felt, mourning the loss of who you were before she traumatic event, or not so traumatic event. change means loss, and we forget to grieve that. okay listen, I haven’t entirely grasped this whole “life’ thing, never truly will no one can. I’m just stumbling through it like the rest of ya’ll. so my ideas and thoughts aren’t fully formed around any one concept, i am malleable. i am not set in my ways, but i gotta tell, this grief thing. it really is something. think about it…you had to throw out your favourite pair of shoes….and that in itself is upsetting, but grief? over shoes? okay lets break it down, maybe you spent years in those same shoes, hell maybe even a decade (it happens) but now they are threadbare, they’ve been shoe goo’ed to the point that they are now nothing but shoe goo and duct tape has gotten involved, now you truly have to let them go. sniffle. bye shoes. but then your kind of depressed, but you don’t equate it to the loss of shoes…youre kind of angry….nothing to do with the damn shoes, you re sad….but the shoes no, cant be right…okay lets look at this, say you bought those shoes with your ex girlfriend, who you really did love, but it didn’t work out and she left you, and the only thing you have had left of her are those shoes, but you didn’t even know that till you looked closer at your emotions after said loss of the stupid fucking shoes, but holy shit hallelujah revelation see it see it see it feeeeel it baby, you’re not just losing the shoes, you are now grieving the loss of that girlfriend all these years later. Why? because you never really grieved losing her. So now that the last piece of that relationship has been tossed in the trash, well here goes funny ol grief making you all full of the feeeeeeelings. Cry. wail. sob. heave. don’t push it away. just sit with it. feel what that grief feels like in your body. in your heart. in your gut, maybe in your left toe…. it will hurt and thats okay, life fucking hurts. it hurts way more to keep pushing that grief away though. and when you throw out the damn shoes, and feel that grief, you are letting go of something you don’t need to hang onto anymore. and there is freedom and healing in that. and the poetry. thanks for reading ❤
precise sutures

the first thing you cut out
is the heat at the heart
of the wound
you will
without question
gouge deep

this will not be a choice.
cold may replace hot, nature abhors a void

all days
ever after spent
finding your way
back to that splinter
so desperately hacked and cast off

when you suss out
the crux that cut
you must
stitch same said agony back in
regardless of decades
and what you were so sure of

this is an ugly business.  use good thread and take time while conducting this surgery.

genuine

my smile is my armour. i guess. sometimes. i recently had someone mention while on vacation how strong a person i was. he was referring to the fact that throughout the week i had a smile on my face overtime he looked at me. i think that was what he was referring to, as that was the topic at hand. who knows though, i am assuming. i never did ask for clarification. i just laughed and said thank you. funny how we can sometimes say thank you, but not truly understand what we are thanking someone for. its the same as an apology, how often have you apologized with no true idea or understanding why you are apologizing…i digress, as i do. Smile. thats where i was going with this. i smile. i have heard it referenced a number of times, that i keep smiling. at times i am truly happy…but sometimes…when I’m truly stressed to the max i smile so hard my body aches. my muscles hence, my jaw hurts. its my armour. if i keep smiling i receive (generally) smiles in return. so thats a good thing, right? a friend passed on this saying to me, which was passed onto him by someone he used to work for. where it can from i have no idea, if you know please do let me know. the saying goes…well actually its more of a riddle…the more you give away the more you get in return…answer: smiles. Now thats beautiful!! So i do like to keep that one in my pocket. More flies with honey right? welllllll you catch the most flies with bullshit, but thats another blog post. smiles. if you look in the mirror and smile at yourself, guess what? well folks, guess what? you get a smile in return!!! and so despite my smiling issue when I’m stressed, it actually does help relieve the stress. maybe on some fucked up level stress makes me happy, stranger things have happened. I’m sure there is a very simple psychological study that correlates to that. some stress serotonin trigger or something. who knows, not me!! but even taking about all this smiling is, guess what? Yep sure enough its putting a goddamn smile on my face. a trick i have been using as well, i read it somewhere, don’t ask me where, i dunno. but i read that when you are walking down the street, count the smiles. look for the smiling faces. then you are focusing on the joy around you instead of walking around focusing on all the scowly grumpuses. that just fucks up your day. i never noticed before how many people around me are actually smiling until i started using this little technique. it works. pfffft of course it works! its all what you seek isn’t it? lets get all 90’s and quote some pearl jam ‘what you fear the most will meet you half way” ( listen i don’t know if thats an eddie original or not, if not feel free to correct me, i really cant be bothered to look it up right now ‘kay.) so if we spin that lyric on its head and dissect it a bit, the meaning is that what we are looking for is looking for us right? so I’m going to look for smiles, and wear one as often as i have a mind to. who doesn’t love to smile? well I’m sure lots of people, but whatev’s this is my blog and i wanna genuine smile. thanks for reading you lovelies ❤ heres a bit of poetry cause i like the poetries.

Oh Good How Are You

I long for a day
undappled by
these fickle salutations
these untraceable poisons
the lies disguising the roar
behind the smiles
that don’t quite reach our eyes

flight or fight and some such

Fight or flight. Are you the type of person who runs towards the danger to save the day? Are you the type that freezes like a madonna striking a pose (im trying to avoid the deer caught in headlights analogy, so yeah, thats the best i had) Are you the type who throws up her fists to the invisible assailant coming towards yo u that you cant see? That was me, only it turned out to be a very tiring dog snuffling through a field and not the dangerous predator i saw in my minds eye.But, i didn’t know it when i ran in the dark with my fists raised towards the danger. That was when i was 17….a long long time ago. and though i have changed dramatically since then, my knee jerk reaction is retaliation and outrage. My gut instinct is not to freeze or flee. I fight. There are I’m sure a vast array of psychological reasonings for why i behave this way, from how i was raised, various traumas throughout my life, growing up in a small town where i got picked on a lot and discovered the art of intimidation. Its a shitty life lesson, one i would like to say no one should have to grow up with. I know this to be true, no one should. But i wouldn’t be who i am now if it wasn’t for all that bullshit. I spent a lot of years unlearning that behaviour…in fact i went in the exact opposite direction and became a bit of a jellyfish for a number of years…and the bullies crept back in to my life. So now i find the balance, being assertive without being aggressive. Keeping kindness at the forefront, with out being a pushover. Its tricky business this life. Keeping ours egos in check with out letting others run us over requires aware authenticity. Fuck i seem to have run off on a tangent, most of the time i have no idea where i am going with my writing. This seems to be the case with this blurb. But i guess thats life right? we don’t always know whats next, we don’t always have a plan, we are unsure, we run amok, we run off course, we run around in circles, we freeze, we flee, we run headlong in to the unknown fist raised shouting fuck you you don’t scare me, even if we are really pissing our pants we face what needs facing. we stare down the tiny dog in the underbrush, all the while imaging it is the fiercest predator to here exist on the planet. we do this life. whelp. there you have it, my rant for the day. Thanks for reading ❤ Here, have some poetry, pieces of my soul in script.

Tempest

You dance with thunder,
carelessly
shirking any notion of lightning.

the blank page

the blank page, the daunting task. Here i am sitting at my desk looking out my window at yet another soggy ass rainy day. Sometimes i love the rain, when its warm outside, when i feel like puttering around the house, when i just want to curl up and watch a movie. But its spring!! I want to be outside planting my garden, soaking up the sunshine listening to the birds sing. PLUS I have some wicked rocking pms, and I’m feeling a bit depressed. What happens when you combine those two? Well, for me right now, its the snark. The shitty clenched jawed snark casting my displeasure at all that crosses my path. Mrrr, the dishes aren’t done, mrrrr my paintings suck, mrrrrrr i cant write for shir,mrrrrrrr i should just give all up and get a “real” job. Mrrrrrrr, grump , frump shhhhmrk. Would I feeling feeling this way if the sun was shining?? Well I cant say 100% but I’m pretty sure i would be feeling much better. Which kind of sucks right?? i mean of all the things that could rule my emotions, the weather. I have absolutely no control over the weather. Its a bitch that i am so swayed by its whimsy. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned here. Sometimes you have to just go with it. I could spend the whole day stewing over the shit weather and the grumble grumble shit plate my tricky giant ego hands me on days like this, or i can be okay with days like this, days when I’m low, days when I nor the weather are a ray of sunshine. Its not all meant to be sunshine and roses right?? The more i resist daily circumstances (of all things to resist, the weather?!) the more angry or sad or depressed i become, the more powerless I feel. But when I’m say to myself, het self, you feel a little craptastic today and thats okay kiddo, let the chips fall where they may. I end up feeling soooo much better. Do you feel me? I don’t know who said it but ‘what we resist persists’ describes this perfectly. So instead of wishing i was in a better mood, or wishing the sun was shining, I’m saying fuck it. Its okay for the weather and my mood to be a little grey today. and fuck if that doesn’t brighten up my day!! Here is a poem to hopefully brighten up yours

 

Foundations

on the rainy days

we would play

gin rummy

and euchre with fists

but before that

before cigarettes

before the lack of temperance

we would play

go fish

watch the lightning

bounce off the lake

eating cookies and

we did not understand why

we could not play in the waves

under the rolling sky

why we could not

swim like sharks

cartwheeling off the dock sharks

wearing life jackets

with crotch straps

(which did but didn’t put a damper on things)

but not on lightning days

(or for 45 minutes after eating)

those damp earwig days

those days when i would go to church

with the neighbour

and my friend her blue eyed son

in exchange for waffles

and approval

it seemed a fair deal

till

jesus judged me and i

discovered ponies across the gravel road

and all the darlings know

ponies trump waffles

grown ups swim with lightning

(more than we should and don’t wait 45 minutes)

and ever after

i never was saved

and again

Begin again. SO here i am starting over. Really its not THAT dramatic. Its not one of those situations where I’m starting my whole life over. We’ve all been there, right? Well, a lot of us anyway and if you haven’t i don’t know whether its more appropriate to say lucky you or my condolences. Why my condolences? If you’ve never had to start all over again then you have lost the opportunity to fail, to feel your way through that fail and come out the other side transformed. I digress. As i was fucking saying, I’m not talking about the dramatic life altering starting over…or am I? How do i know what single thing i do in a day is going to alter my life forever. Is restarting a 30 day writing challenge, after having cast it by the wayside in favour of “more important things” (i mean really i did have an art deadline, so all bets are off when it comes to your art? right? But writing is my art too…hmmmm) I’m quite the beat around the busher today folks. Okay lets begin again. Here i am restarting this goal, this challenge i have set for myself to write 500 words for 30 days. Now here is what i have learned. When i don’t accomplish what i say I’m going to do, i feel sort of guilty, i feel down on myself, i feel defeated. SO why the fuck would i do that to myself? I also find spilling out the deluge of random or not so random thought, this chain of consciousness style of writing if thats what it is, is cathartic. When i finish, a weight has lifted. If i do nothing else but this one thing today, well, thats still a huge accomplishment. thats a yayyyyy me, pat on the back, go champ go, you got this you jaunty mutha fucka. Whats the worst that can happen? you fail, not a big deal. But if you don’t try, you’ve already failed. hmmm. now thats a bit of a conundrum, here i am touting the virtues of trying and failing, and saying if you don try you already have failed, so isn’t that a lesson is failure in itself? Yes, i guess it is. But i think thats a much more painful sort of fail, the lack of reach, the wondering what if, the regret of not doing will always be bigger than the regret of doing. For the most part anyway. I have no defined lines of this is this and that is that. Life is not black and white, its all grey area. Or better yet, its all colours and lack thereof. So i have begun. Whats next? I have no idea, my only hope is that i stick with my goal and all ya’ll hear from me tomorrow. To whoever is paying attention and reading this randomness of mine, thank you. And as always, cause its how i roll, here is a wee bit of poetry if youre so inclined.

And Again

with the arrival
of each breath
yet another chance
to begin again