the cookies crumbles

Has anyone else noticed this bizarro rise in nationalism? You kind of cant ignore it, unless you’re  all ostrich style with your head stuck in the sand. I find it interesting that we stand at a point in history when we are more connected globally then we have ever been before, so why the snap back? I wonder if there is a fear of losing control, a tightening of the grip in the face of a world wide coming together. The world united is terrifying for the powers that be, the infamous “they” Their power lies in keeping us separate.  “we didn’t cross the borders, they borders crossed us” is one of my favourite protest chants.  If we remain connected and grow that connection, then as a whole we become less apt to be okay with the exploitation of others for cheap t-shirts etc. We become less and less okay with the profit machine when we connect with those people who suffer for our gains. In order for control to be maintained, we have to see ourselves a separate.  We are more apt to be outraged when the person being exploited is someone from our own nation, its easier to disconnect when we see someone as “other” This compassion trade off for profit requires borders. “oh they live there” so the rules of basic human decency don’t apply.  when we see ourselves as a whole, united globally,  the cookie crumbles. This entire fucked up system that we base our lives upon will collapse if we band together, stand up and say “no more.” But that cont happen if we are kept divided. The closer we get to this realization, this awareness of that we are a global community, the tighter they pull the crazy making strings. The harder the they clench their fists. I know i know this sounds like new age hippy dippy crap. Which i am quite partial to btw. But guess what? It is. and also its not all crap. If you look closer, past all the I’m more evolved than you and if your not a vegan drinking fucking algae smoothies you don’t quite measure up. unfortunately that type of thinking is counter productive to the actual intent at the heart of the hippy love fest. which is what? well its love of course. It is coming together, building an awareness that we are in fact all in this together (thanks sam roberts) we really are. the sooner we wake up to that fact, the better for the entire planet and every creature that lives on it. Maybe the key is recognizing that and acting accordingly. Maybe we can stop seeing other countries as enemies, threats, as separate. at the core each of us is much the same. we are all just trying to make it through the day. But what do i now? I’m just trying to make it through my own day. I really do love the notion that I’m not alone in this. Thanks for reading. big love ❤

 

PS. heeeeeres a poem peeps

hush

lets not speak of gods

or lack thereof

you never know

when one is listening

and surely we don’t need to draw

attention to

what we’ve been up to

these days

lets just play frisbee

in the rain

and be grateful

for the water

thats come

to settle the dust

a fleeting quench

for the

unquenchable we

lets pretend

there will be no repercussions

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Step 2 freestyle digging

so I’ve been following along with jeff goins emails for the 500 word a day 31 day challenge. If you haven’t checked him out yet, do it, right here. He has kicked my procrastination right in the ass. Todays tip was to free write. Now here is a secret. This what i do anyway!! I do have to stop myself from going back and re reading what i just wrote, i am mindful off that. But here is a tip: don’t do that. Just write. Now the other cool thing about free writing is it makes for an excellent therapeutic tool. So i guess this post has turned into step two of my unsolicited advice givingness. After you’ve followed through with step one which you can find here. Proceed with this: take five minutes of your time to free write, just type scribble scribe your little heart out for 5 minutes. Set a timer if you need to and f your just not cool at this point with giving yourself more than five minutes of personal time. and then you’re gonna let it flow. Just allow your thoughts and write them down, the good the bad, the ugly (remember i said I’m a fan of cliches?) So what i mean is this type of thing “oh the damn cat needs food, where did i put those photos from 20 years ago i always put things where i cant find them why hasn’t my dad called me in three months, fuck i suck at keeping track of things, i really want some chocolate, why cant never do anything right, if i could just stop procrastinating i could get shit done, the toilet needs scrubbing, god i wonder what that chick from high school is up to these days, i ate to much chocolate, i have no self control, really want to learn how to become a writer but i suck at writing and i don’t know where to begin, i wish i would have gone to university to be an environmental scientist but its too late for me to start something new…..blah blah blah. Okay so here is my point, when you free write in that style (though i don’t necessarily suggest that for a blog or novel or whatever it is you want to write about) in an effort to be more mindful this is a great direction to go in. and it is the direction i am going in for this post, and I’m not editing anything for 31 days, cause thats the name of the game for this challenge. You then can look back at what the hell runs through your head when you are not being conscious of your thinking. You can monitor your monkey mind and perhaps pinpoint some key thoughts that are fucking up your chi, zen, hey you get off of my cloud happy place. Thoughts that you didn’t even know were there. Negative self criticisms and anxieties that are fucking with your otherwise sunny day. Why is this good to do? Because if you know you’re having these thoughts youre on your way to changing them. You have to be conscious of that little hamster spinning its wheel before you can figure out which thoughts you want to feed and which thoughts you need to acknowledge, get to the roots of, and feel. Yes folks at the end of the day its all about feeling. You’ve got to feel it to heal it. Its wonderful for people to go around touting the old “let it go” slice of craptastci. but here is the thing: you cant let go of something if you don’t know what fuck it is you’re hanging onto in the first place. So if something angers you, if something causes you to feel said, you have to look at the emotion under that. What is at the root of that emotion? is it disappointment? okay, so what is under that disappointment. Is is sorrow? what is under that sorrow? dig deep. You feel me? So yeah, um start with step one (you will find that in an earlier post) and then move to free writing to help you figure out what is going on in that beautiful brain of yours. For me to carve out the free space to do this, i actually wear a plastic tiara. true story. why the hell do i do that you ask? so that if anyone approaches me in my house that may interrupt this free wheeling writing time, they see the tiara and stop themselves. If they do not, i simply point to it “the queen is writing” and carry on, i don’t miss a beat because i have removed any and all feelings of guilt or obligation by clearly stating that THIS MEANS IM WRITING and i am giving no shits about anything other than what i am doing right at this moment. Go get a toque, tiara, alien ball headband, double beer can cap, seriously whatever floats your boat, and tell your people this piece of hear gear means no interruptus meiticus. I know, its very grand, but thats okay, what could be more grand than figuring out who you are and how you tick? There might be no more important thing in this life of yours.  Thanks for reading my rambling ways ❤

 

P.S. Heres some poetry

Dig

On a clear day

Out of thin air

you pull the pain

like pulling weeds

like an amateur

you fail

to dig out the roots

instead

in your haste to

“get on with it”

you pluck

and you savour

and you fucking wallow

and leave allowance

for regrowth

unaware

that every. single. time.

you pluck that weed

to keep your hands clean

you strengthen the roots

of what you do not

want to grow.

you are not your yesterdays

I will never be the same person i was yesterday. I will also never spray my lawn with herbicides and pesticides. How do these two things relate you ask? I want to allow for naturally occurring growth. Plus i like dandelions. You feel me?

Okay let me break it down a bit. when i woke up this morning i have the same hair teeth body feet palms of both hands. Well maybe i got a haircut. so that would have been something within my realm of control to change about my appearance, so not the same as yesterday. But I’m talking about the bigger picture here. Even if no giant thing happened yesterday that led to some aha!! I see things clearly now, i understand the meaning of life! I had a moment of epiphany and now it all makes sense! Even if i didn’t have one of those momemnts, i am still not the same person i was yesterday. Little moments throughout even the most mundane of days add up to change. They add up to cells sloughing off throughout my house adding to the layer of dust on my grandmothers antique furniture that i hang on to for god know what reason…thats another blog post, let me rewind my thoughts back around to my point…what the hell is my point? hmm. okay. I will never be the same person i was yesterday because we are constantly changing, evolving hanging onto to or at best letting go of what need be let go of, eternally evolving. we have to, i have to, i want to do let go of the past in order to live now. so why do i keep ruminating over and over what happened yesterday? last week last month last year when i can’t undo or redo any of those moments that my brain somehow wants to rearrange, chew and stew on over and over as though if i could just put those pieces into some discernible order i could file it into some sort of brain file that my ego is satisfied with. ah yes here is where that goes i can move forward now that I’ve thought that memory into grey tatters of what never really was in the first place. what we remember as having happened didn’t really happen that was anyway, its only our interpretation of events. So my point is, if we can allow ourselves the freedom of knowing that today we are not the same people we were yesterday, we are free to be whoever it is we want to be today. See how that lifts a burden? You don’t have to hang on to yours and others’ preconceived notions of “this is who i am”. You are not your yesterdays. you are your right now. Placing those yesterdays on your todays is much the same as spraying those chemicals on your lawn, Its an attempt to control what is naturally occuring. Growth and change. You can build upon those yesterdays, but those yesterdays are not who you are today. Allow yourself to begin again, everyday.

I should probably edit this, but in the spirit of moving forward, and in  the spirit of writing and unedited 500 words a day for 31 days, ima just carry on. Thanks for reading ❤

P.S. Here is a poem that kind of sums up what I’m trying to say in a tidy package

Nest 

we are constantly being reborn

giving birth to ourselves

building nests

cocoons

rejecting nests built for us and by us and those not yet created

constructed

tearing down

demolishing

nests cocoons webs

gestating

building waiting destroying hatching rising birthing

gathering

rebuilding

making things “just so”

or shirking those conventions

transforming

nests to strengthen our wings

nests to shelter and to hide

to nurture

to be born and be reborn

birthing ourselves

constantly becoming

subtly

or drastically

altered

it may be

why we can never clearly truthfully honestly

recall the past, what has passed

like a dream

we are reborn

from this moment

to this moment.

No-one knows what they’re doing until they do

Lemme let you in on a little secret. I don’t know what I’m doing. maybe some of you have figured that out already, if you have read my last two posts you may be on to me. But here is the kicker. Im doing it anyway. So i guess you could look at it this way, its the old fake it till you make it, or if you’ve watched that amazing ted talk (if you haven’t you could do yourself a favour and watch it here) fake it till you become it. So being a fan of cliche’s (which are apparently a no no when writing, but whatevs) I’m giving it the old college try. I have spent a lifetime of not doing the things that make my heart sing because of that little secret.But here is something I’ve figured out: no-one started out knowing what the were doing. Every amazing accomplishement started with someone taking that first step. Reaching into the unknown and grabbing on to whatever they could get a grip on. So here i go. I have basically no formal writing training. I did take a part time college course way way back on travel writing and I’ve also been writing poetry since i was eleven, but does that qualify me to do anything? Nope. Is writing this blog paying me anything? Nope. Is anyone reading this? i dunno, we shall see. But I’m not writing this for anyone else but me. So what is it you have always wanted to do? Think abut that. Write it down. Maybe you have a whole fistful of dreams you’ve never dared to let fly out of the grip of all the naysaying voices in and out of you’re head. Write them all down. Then what you’re  going to do is narrow that list down to one thing you can start doing right now. Is there a trip you’ve always wanted to take? Start saving right now, don’t buy that $4 cuppa and put that money in a drawer, under your mattress, in a piggy bank, in an old pb jar. Start there. If money is not the issue, then what is holding you back? Write a list of what is stopping you. Then cross those reasons off that list one by one and buy that fucking ticket. Get up off your ass and get out the door. Always wanted to write a novel? Well lookeee loo, start the 500 word a day challenge, thats what I’m doing as we speak. I know you may not know what your doing, but like i said, neither do I and I’m doing it anyway. Stop thinking of all the reasons why you cant and pick one reason why you need to. Your heart, soul, spirit that big giant something greater than all the no’s is telling you yes. So yes! You will make mistakes. Who cares? Everyone makes mistakes. If someone has you convinced that they don’t, well honey they are full of shit. We all stumble through the door on occasion the only thing that matters is that you walk through that door. Thanks for reading ❤

P.S. Seeing as poetry really is my thing, here is a poem.

Dullbulb

that dust you gather

that light you shut out

and all that standing still

possessing the trappings

of a convincing lampshade

invest in some dingle balls

spice it up a bit at least

fucks sake

stop taking pride in being too busy. enough already.

Friends, there are a few of you that I am worried about.

Then of course i worry about worrying which is beside the point and a topic of conversation for a whole other blog post. Do me a fave and remind me of that later K?

Anyway, what was i saying? oh yeah, Those friends whose behaviour has been concerning me. Really folks its this big fat glorification of busy that has me shaking my head and my fist. Listen, some of you really need to slow down. Ya’ll need to hear this: you aren’t here to work till you drop. I just cant see the point of this entire thing we call the universe solely existing for the purpose of how many hours you can work in a week come home feed the kids take em to playgroup, soccer, hockey band camp, tuba lessons, swim class, zoomba fit, power yoga, spend all your money on a boosted juice (cause the bitches cost a lot, are you kidding me I’m not working an hour for a damn juice) tick tocko punch the clocko  cant do anything cause all your time is spent making money and all your money is spent making up for the lost time YOU CANT BUY BACK TIME. Once its done its done. So here is the bottom line, I’m watching you all run around in this crazy race, doing the look at me dance. The “heres a list of the 10 bajillion things i did this week to fill the void that knows deep down that this isn’t what life is all about but validate how valuable i am based on my level of exhaustion, did you know i make my own fucking cheese while working 13 jobs and raising 8 kids and i have 3 cats and two dogs and volunteer at the old folks home 10 days a weeeeeeeeek” JUST STOPPIT. You know the only time y’all slow down is when you get sick, the only time you allow yourselves to rest is when youre so run down that your body turns on you and then and only then will you curl up in a huddled ball of snot and relax. and you know what? i know half of you cant even not feel guilty about doing nothing EVEN THEN. Little rat brain all a scurry. So lets cultivate the art of doing nothing. I don’t mean do nothing all the time. But sheesh people give yourselves a break, you deserve it. You haven’t sat down for five minutes completely silently to yourself for months. Start there. Go to your bedroom, get in your car and drive to the middle of nowhere, hide in your back yard, stand in your goddamned closet if thats where you have to start, and take 5 fucking minutes to do nothing but breathe. Heres what you’re going to do, set a timer and for 5 minutes breathe in to the count of four and out to the count of five. Do that for one week. And for chris sake if you cant commit to giving yourself heaven forbid 5 minutes a day for one week, just start with today. go do it. right now. Let me say it again, you deserve it. Can you feel me? I hope so. Because I care about you. Thanks for reading ❤

 

P.S. Heres a poem.

Ode to J.Livingston Seagull

you’ve  mistaken my intention

I am rising

up and out of this

glitter clatter

out from under the glare

of these false sunshines

out of from under

this constant barrage of constant

up and into

the sweet thin air

where i can breathe

where my companions

the inaudible stars

wait to greet me

with offerings of solitude

and sanctuary

I am rising

preparing

to soar

Step 1

Listen, this is just between you and me. SO today i have decided to take the first step in what will be a lifelong journey even though it scares the shit out of me, pfffft how cliche was that? Well, i guess to say that today is the first step is to misrepresent a lifetime of first steps. But today folks is a BIG FAT GIANT step in the right direction. Or haha the Write direction. (cheesebucket) Despite all my fears, anxieties, shame and not goodenoughishness hijackers that swim around in my brain I’m saying back the fack off to the self defeating ego, fear of success nay sayer. Can you feel me? Witness the creation of the sovereign state of Tam. Dear penchant towards procrastination: today, I win the battle. Today I will be brave, dundadadaaaa trumpets blare. So here i began the challenge. To write a blog post everyday for the next 30 days. (can i do it? I can fucking do it.) To put myself out there, to throw the cards into the air and let them fall where they may. Today is about being brave, taking a stand for myself for a change. Grabbing the bull by the balls, life by the horns seize the diem, carpe the day…as the case may be. Conducting my own orchestra despite a lifetime of half assed not quite, almost there, nope i will just take a nap non-reaching. Despite my pounding heart and the little bastard voice in my head that tells me I don’t quite measure up. Despite a society that pumps me daily with youre not quite up to snuff without the new long lash mascara, whats with the gray, is that a nose haira? pluck prime primp and starve. your ass is too big to small youre too short too tall, those nails need some polish, artists are flakes, one day they will find out I’m a fraud, heres a nod to all those dirty little voices inside and out, a big giant thank you to all that self doubt, thank you? yes. THANK YOU. with gratitude i say, thank you for bringing me to this very moment, this moment where with deep belly breaths i say i see you panic i see you anxiety i see you self doubt, thank you for bringing me to this point in my life where because of you i have now been propelled to break through these chains, binds, ties, whines, cries, and i bid you adieu , its been a slice. but I’m ready now to take deep belly breaths, put my hands on my hips and shout from the rooftop, mountain tops, rafters, tips of my toes or as the case is, perched like a pigeon on the arm of my couch caw caw coo coo, here i am.

throwing the cards in the air and letting them fall where they may, risking paper cuts, slipping on the deck, an adverse reaction to a potential mind fuck connection to one of those cards having some hidden tarot meaning i.e.: oh shit thats the queen of spades, a better not go outside today, the omen is bad, and all those other neurotic fantasies that plague my pts rattled brain. There will be spelling mistakes and forget about me being grammatically correct, if your a stickler to that schtick you’re in the wrong place. What is important: Today i begin! again. Can you feel me now? I don’t know where this is going, but i do hope you join me while I snuffle about and suss it out ❤ Thanks for reading.

P.S. Here is a bit of poetry

OuuuuurrrrrrOOOOoooooooo

the women are rising

hush now

if you

shut the fuck up and listen

you can hear the delicate fracture

turned shatter

the break through in this breaking down

the shaking quaking hot

flush of knowing

that started with a shift in the stars

the silent staring down of scars

the grappling with

fears greater than that which we ever allowed ourselves to touch

this being told we’re always too much

scar

the painful sear of centuries

standing brave and steady

compassionately

Defiant despite this trembling gut

we are are we ready

I am am i ready – hope of all hopes

to stop asking

for fucking permission