Step 1

Listen, this is just between you and me. SO today i have decided to take the first step in what will be a lifelong journey even though it scares the shit out of me, pfffft how cliche was that? Well, i guess to say that today is the first step is to misrepresent a lifetime of first steps. But today folks is a BIG FAT GIANT step in the right direction. Or haha the Write direction. (cheesebucket) Despite all my fears, anxieties, shame and not goodenoughishness hijackers that swim around in my brain I’m saying back the fack off to the self defeating ego, fear of success nay sayer. Can you feel me? Witness the creation of the sovereign state of Tam. Dear penchant towards procrastination: today, I win the battle. Today I will be brave, dundadadaaaa trumpets blare. So here i began the challenge. To write a blog post everyday for the next 30 days. (can i do it? I can fucking do it.) To put myself out there, to throw the cards into the air and let them fall where they may. Today is about being brave, taking a stand for myself for a change. Grabbing the bull by the balls, life by the horns seize the diem, carpe the day…as the case may be. Conducting my own orchestra despite a lifetime of half assed not quite, almost there, nope i will just take a nap non-reaching. Despite my pounding heart and the little bastard voice in my head that tells me I don’t quite measure up. Despite a society that pumps me daily with youre not quite up to snuff without the new long lash mascara, whats with the gray, is that a nose haira? pluck prime primp and starve. your ass is too big to small youre too short too tall, those nails need some polish, artists are flakes, one day they will find out I’m a fraud, heres a nod to all those dirty little voices inside and out, a big giant thank you to all that self doubt, thank you? yes. THANK YOU. with gratitude i say, thank you for bringing me to this very moment, this moment where with deep belly breaths i say i see you panic i see you anxiety i see you self doubt, thank you for bringing me to this point in my life where because of you i have now been propelled to break through these chains, binds, ties, whines, cries, and i bid you adieu , its been a slice. but I’m ready now to take deep belly breaths, put my hands on my hips and shout from the rooftop, mountain tops, rafters, tips of my toes or as the case is, perched like a pigeon on the arm of my couch caw caw coo coo, here i am.

throwing the cards in the air and letting them fall where they may, risking paper cuts, slipping on the deck, an adverse reaction to a potential mind fuck connection to one of those cards having some hidden tarot meaning i.e.: oh shit thats the queen of spades, a better not go outside today, the omen is bad, and all those other neurotic fantasies that plague my pts rattled brain. There will be spelling mistakes and forget about me being grammatically correct, if your a stickler to that schtick you’re in the wrong place. What is important: Today i begin! again. Can you feel me now? I don’t know where this is going, but i do hope you join me while I snuffle about and suss it out ❤ Thanks for reading.

P.S. Here is a bit of poetry

OuuuuurrrrrrOOOOoooooooo

the women are rising

hush now

if you

shut the fuck up and listen

you can hear the delicate fracture

turned shatter

the break through in this breaking down

the shaking quaking hot

flush of knowing

that started with a shift in the stars

the silent staring down of scars

the grappling with

fears greater than that which we ever allowed ourselves to touch

this being told we’re always too much

scar

the painful sear of centuries

standing brave and steady

compassionately

Defiant despite this trembling gut

we are are we ready

I am am i ready – hope of all hopes

to stop asking

for fucking permission

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