genuine

my smile is my armour. i guess. sometimes. i recently had someone mention while on vacation how strong a person i was. he was referring to the fact that throughout the week i had a smile on my face overtime he looked at me. i think that was what he was referring to, as that was the topic at hand. who knows though, i am assuming. i never did ask for clarification. i just laughed and said thank you. funny how we can sometimes say thank you, but not truly understand what we are thanking someone for. its the same as an apology, how often have you apologized with no true idea or understanding why you are apologizing…i digress, as i do. Smile. thats where i was going with this. i smile. i have heard it referenced a number of times, that i keep smiling. at times i am truly happy…but sometimes…when I’m truly stressed to the max i smile so hard my body aches. my muscles hence, my jaw hurts. its my armour. if i keep smiling i receive (generally) smiles in return. so thats a good thing, right? a friend passed on this saying to me, which was passed onto him by someone he used to work for. where it can from i have no idea, if you know please do let me know. the saying goes…well actually its more of a riddle…the more you give away the more you get in return…answer: smiles. Now thats beautiful!! So i do like to keep that one in my pocket. More flies with honey right? welllllll you catch the most flies with bullshit, but thats another blog post. smiles. if you look in the mirror and smile at yourself, guess what? well folks, guess what? you get a smile in return!!! and so despite my smiling issue when I’m stressed, it actually does help relieve the stress. maybe on some fucked up level stress makes me happy, stranger things have happened. I’m sure there is a very simple psychological study that correlates to that. some stress serotonin trigger or something. who knows, not me!! but even taking about all this smiling is, guess what? Yep sure enough its putting a goddamn smile on my face. a trick i have been using as well, i read it somewhere, don’t ask me where, i dunno. but i read that when you are walking down the street, count the smiles. look for the smiling faces. then you are focusing on the joy around you instead of walking around focusing on all the scowly grumpuses. that just fucks up your day. i never noticed before how many people around me are actually smiling until i started using this little technique. it works. pfffft of course it works! its all what you seek isn’t it? lets get all 90’s and quote some pearl jam ‘what you fear the most will meet you half way” ( listen i don’t know if thats an eddie original or not, if not feel free to correct me, i really cant be bothered to look it up right now ‘kay.) so if we spin that lyric on its head and dissect it a bit, the meaning is that what we are looking for is looking for us right? so I’m going to look for smiles, and wear one as often as i have a mind to. who doesn’t love to smile? well I’m sure lots of people, but whatev’s this is my blog and i wanna genuine smile. thanks for reading you lovelies ❤ heres a bit of poetry cause i like the poetries.

Oh Good How Are You

I long for a day
undappled by
these fickle salutations
these untraceable poisons
the lies disguising the roar
behind the smiles
that don’t quite reach our eyes

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flight or fight and some such

Fight or flight. Are you the type of person who runs towards the danger to save the day? Are you the type that freezes like a madonna striking a pose (im trying to avoid the deer caught in headlights analogy, so yeah, thats the best i had) Are you the type who throws up her fists to the invisible assailant coming towards yo u that you cant see? That was me, only it turned out to be a very tiring dog snuffling through a field and not the dangerous predator i saw in my minds eye.But, i didn’t know it when i ran in the dark with my fists raised towards the danger. That was when i was 17….a long long time ago. and though i have changed dramatically since then, my knee jerk reaction is retaliation and outrage. My gut instinct is not to freeze or flee. I fight. There are I’m sure a vast array of psychological reasonings for why i behave this way, from how i was raised, various traumas throughout my life, growing up in a small town where i got picked on a lot and discovered the art of intimidation. Its a shitty life lesson, one i would like to say no one should have to grow up with. I know this to be true, no one should. But i wouldn’t be who i am now if it wasn’t for all that bullshit. I spent a lot of years unlearning that behaviour…in fact i went in the exact opposite direction and became a bit of a jellyfish for a number of years…and the bullies crept back in to my life. So now i find the balance, being assertive without being aggressive. Keeping kindness at the forefront, with out being a pushover. Its tricky business this life. Keeping ours egos in check with out letting others run us over requires aware authenticity. Fuck i seem to have run off on a tangent, most of the time i have no idea where i am going with my writing. This seems to be the case with this blurb. But i guess thats life right? we don’t always know whats next, we don’t always have a plan, we are unsure, we run amok, we run off course, we run around in circles, we freeze, we flee, we run headlong in to the unknown fist raised shouting fuck you you don’t scare me, even if we are really pissing our pants we face what needs facing. we stare down the tiny dog in the underbrush, all the while imaging it is the fiercest predator to here exist on the planet. we do this life. whelp. there you have it, my rant for the day. Thanks for reading ❤ Here, have some poetry, pieces of my soul in script.

Tempest

You dance with thunder,
carelessly
shirking any notion of lightning.

the blank page

the blank page, the daunting task. Here i am sitting at my desk looking out my window at yet another soggy ass rainy day. Sometimes i love the rain, when its warm outside, when i feel like puttering around the house, when i just want to curl up and watch a movie. But its spring!! I want to be outside planting my garden, soaking up the sunshine listening to the birds sing. PLUS I have some wicked rocking pms, and I’m feeling a bit depressed. What happens when you combine those two? Well, for me right now, its the snark. The shitty clenched jawed snark casting my displeasure at all that crosses my path. Mrrr, the dishes aren’t done, mrrrr my paintings suck, mrrrrrr i cant write for shir,mrrrrrrr i should just give all up and get a “real” job. Mrrrrrrr, grump , frump shhhhmrk. Would I feeling feeling this way if the sun was shining?? Well I cant say 100% but I’m pretty sure i would be feeling much better. Which kind of sucks right?? i mean of all the things that could rule my emotions, the weather. I have absolutely no control over the weather. Its a bitch that i am so swayed by its whimsy. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned here. Sometimes you have to just go with it. I could spend the whole day stewing over the shit weather and the grumble grumble shit plate my tricky giant ego hands me on days like this, or i can be okay with days like this, days when I’m low, days when I nor the weather are a ray of sunshine. Its not all meant to be sunshine and roses right?? The more i resist daily circumstances (of all things to resist, the weather?!) the more angry or sad or depressed i become, the more powerless I feel. But when I’m say to myself, het self, you feel a little craptastic today and thats okay kiddo, let the chips fall where they may. I end up feeling soooo much better. Do you feel me? I don’t know who said it but ‘what we resist persists’ describes this perfectly. So instead of wishing i was in a better mood, or wishing the sun was shining, I’m saying fuck it. Its okay for the weather and my mood to be a little grey today. and fuck if that doesn’t brighten up my day!! Here is a poem to hopefully brighten up yours

 

Foundations

on the rainy days

we would play

gin rummy

and euchre with fists

but before that

before cigarettes

before the lack of temperance

we would play

go fish

watch the lightning

bounce off the lake

eating cookies and

we did not understand why

we could not play in the waves

under the rolling sky

why we could not

swim like sharks

cartwheeling off the dock sharks

wearing life jackets

with crotch straps

(which did but didn’t put a damper on things)

but not on lightning days

(or for 45 minutes after eating)

those damp earwig days

those days when i would go to church

with the neighbour

and my friend her blue eyed son

in exchange for waffles

and approval

it seemed a fair deal

till

jesus judged me and i

discovered ponies across the gravel road

and all the darlings know

ponies trump waffles

grown ups swim with lightning

(more than we should and don’t wait 45 minutes)

and ever after

i never was saved

and again

Begin again. SO here i am starting over. Really its not THAT dramatic. Its not one of those situations where I’m starting my whole life over. We’ve all been there, right? Well, a lot of us anyway and if you haven’t i don’t know whether its more appropriate to say lucky you or my condolences. Why my condolences? If you’ve never had to start all over again then you have lost the opportunity to fail, to feel your way through that fail and come out the other side transformed. I digress. As i was fucking saying, I’m not talking about the dramatic life altering starting over…or am I? How do i know what single thing i do in a day is going to alter my life forever. Is restarting a 30 day writing challenge, after having cast it by the wayside in favour of “more important things” (i mean really i did have an art deadline, so all bets are off when it comes to your art? right? But writing is my art too…hmmmm) I’m quite the beat around the busher today folks. Okay lets begin again. Here i am restarting this goal, this challenge i have set for myself to write 500 words for 30 days. Now here is what i have learned. When i don’t accomplish what i say I’m going to do, i feel sort of guilty, i feel down on myself, i feel defeated. SO why the fuck would i do that to myself? I also find spilling out the deluge of random or not so random thought, this chain of consciousness style of writing if thats what it is, is cathartic. When i finish, a weight has lifted. If i do nothing else but this one thing today, well, thats still a huge accomplishment. thats a yayyyyy me, pat on the back, go champ go, you got this you jaunty mutha fucka. Whats the worst that can happen? you fail, not a big deal. But if you don’t try, you’ve already failed. hmmm. now thats a bit of a conundrum, here i am touting the virtues of trying and failing, and saying if you don try you already have failed, so isn’t that a lesson is failure in itself? Yes, i guess it is. But i think thats a much more painful sort of fail, the lack of reach, the wondering what if, the regret of not doing will always be bigger than the regret of doing. For the most part anyway. I have no defined lines of this is this and that is that. Life is not black and white, its all grey area. Or better yet, its all colours and lack thereof. So i have begun. Whats next? I have no idea, my only hope is that i stick with my goal and all ya’ll hear from me tomorrow. To whoever is paying attention and reading this randomness of mine, thank you. And as always, cause its how i roll, here is a wee bit of poetry if youre so inclined.

And Again

with the arrival
of each breath
yet another chance
to begin again