and again

Begin again. SO here i am starting over. Really its not THAT dramatic. Its not one of those situations where I’m starting my whole life over. We’ve all been there, right? Well, a lot of us anyway and if you haven’t i don’t know whether its more appropriate to say lucky you or my condolences. Why my condolences? If you’ve never had to start all over again then you have lost the opportunity to fail, to feel your way through that fail and come out the other side transformed. I digress. As i was fucking saying, I’m not talking about the dramatic life altering starting over…or am I? How do i know what single thing i do in a day is going to alter my life forever. Is restarting a 30 day writing challenge, after having cast it by the wayside in favour of “more important things” (i mean really i did have an art deadline, so all bets are off when it comes to your art? right? But writing is my art too…hmmmm) I’m quite the beat around the busher today folks. Okay lets begin again. Here i am restarting this goal, this challenge i have set for myself to write 500 words for 30 days. Now here is what i have learned. When i don’t accomplish what i say I’m going to do, i feel sort of guilty, i feel down on myself, i feel defeated. SO why the fuck would i do that to myself? I also find spilling out the deluge of random or not so random thought, this chain of consciousness style of writing if thats what it is, is cathartic. When i finish, a weight has lifted. If i do nothing else but this one thing today, well, thats still a huge accomplishment. thats a yayyyyy me, pat on the back, go champ go, you got this you jaunty mutha fucka. Whats the worst that can happen? you fail, not a big deal. But if you don’t try, you’ve already failed. hmmm. now thats a bit of a conundrum, here i am touting the virtues of trying and failing, and saying if you don try you already have failed, so isn’t that a lesson is failure in itself? Yes, i guess it is. But i think thats a much more painful sort of fail, the lack of reach, the wondering what if, the regret of not doing will always be bigger than the regret of doing. For the most part anyway. I have no defined lines of this is this and that is that. Life is not black and white, its all grey area. Or better yet, its all colours and lack thereof. So i have begun. Whats next? I have no idea, my only hope is that i stick with my goal and all ya’ll hear from me tomorrow. To whoever is paying attention and reading this randomness of mine, thank you. And as always, cause its how i roll, here is a wee bit of poetry if youre so inclined.

And Again

with the arrival
of each breath
yet another chance
to begin again

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