the blank page

the blank page, the daunting task. Here i am sitting at my desk looking out my window at yet another soggy ass rainy day. Sometimes i love the rain, when its warm outside, when i feel like puttering around the house, when i just want to curl up and watch a movie. But its spring!! I want to be outside planting my garden, soaking up the sunshine listening to the birds sing. PLUS I have some wicked rocking pms, and I’m feeling a bit depressed. What happens when you combine those two? Well, for me right now, its the snark. The shitty clenched jawed snark casting my displeasure at all that crosses my path. Mrrr, the dishes aren’t done, mrrrr my paintings suck, mrrrrrr i cant write for shir,mrrrrrrr i should just give all up and get a “real” job. Mrrrrrrr, grump , frump shhhhmrk. Would I feeling feeling this way if the sun was shining?? Well I cant say 100% but I’m pretty sure i would be feeling much better. Which kind of sucks right?? i mean of all the things that could rule my emotions, the weather. I have absolutely no control over the weather. Its a bitch that i am so swayed by its whimsy. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned here. Sometimes you have to just go with it. I could spend the whole day stewing over the shit weather and the grumble grumble shit plate my tricky giant ego hands me on days like this, or i can be okay with days like this, days when I’m low, days when I nor the weather are a ray of sunshine. Its not all meant to be sunshine and roses right?? The more i resist daily circumstances (of all things to resist, the weather?!) the more angry or sad or depressed i become, the more powerless I feel. But when I’m say to myself, het self, you feel a little craptastic today and thats okay kiddo, let the chips fall where they may. I end up feeling soooo much better. Do you feel me? I don’t know who said it but ‘what we resist persists’ describes this perfectly. So instead of wishing i was in a better mood, or wishing the sun was shining, I’m saying fuck it. Its okay for the weather and my mood to be a little grey today. and fuck if that doesn’t brighten up my day!! Here is a poem to hopefully brighten up yours

 

Foundations

on the rainy days

we would play

gin rummy

and euchre with fists

but before that

before cigarettes

before the lack of temperance

we would play

go fish

watch the lightning

bounce off the lake

eating cookies and

we did not understand why

we could not play in the waves

under the rolling sky

why we could not

swim like sharks

cartwheeling off the dock sharks

wearing life jackets

with crotch straps

(which did but didn’t put a damper on things)

but not on lightning days

(or for 45 minutes after eating)

those damp earwig days

those days when i would go to church

with the neighbour

and my friend her blue eyed son

in exchange for waffles

and approval

it seemed a fair deal

till

jesus judged me and i

discovered ponies across the gravel road

and all the darlings know

ponies trump waffles

grown ups swim with lightning

(more than we should and don’t wait 45 minutes)

and ever after

i never was saved

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