judgey mcsmirchers

an environment of exclusion hiding in plain side, masquerading as one of inclusion. they are all around us. sheeeeesh lowisss now that right there sounds like i require a tinfoil hat (waves hands in the air ”theyre all around us they’re all around us”) yes i see that but let me raise you a do you see that? Lemme splain. Workplaces coffee shops bars families groups clubs centres all of the all the things m’kay? Im going to try to sway to the positive side but i may venture into the shitty little truth of the matter. All of these various social settings, environments ( for lack of a better words that i cant seem to wrap my noggin around at the moment) that you fell at home in or included in or a part of maybe you feel at ease there, maybe you try to but secretly harbour in your pocket that little weasel bitch self doubt nibbling away at your guts. your know your gut, the one that always knows when something or someone is not quite copacetic. Your gut, not your head or your heart, but deeeeeep in the middle of your middle. That part of you knows, if you change one single thing, you may be cast out if you stray from the mark one iota it becomes all ugly duckling and you might just be shunned. or its been happening the whole time and those people who play at being “your tribe” aint. or really they are but they judge the shit out of everything and everyone, and maybe you in fact are one of those people. If you are and you know you are and you know you are just kind of shitty to people all around, fucks sakes stoppit. I really don’t care how amazing you are, that does not make you better than that person who makes less money than you, isn’t quite as composed as you isn’t quite as “normal” as you or is too “normal” (yes people do this too) I’m right there with the rest of us, we all pull out our pointy fingers and shoot our judgement guns at people all willy nilly sometimes, when we aren’t quite awake or aware in that moment of smuggery. But hey, lets do our best not to be self righteous assholes okay. Even now some people might be reading this and judging the shit out of my grammatically incorrectness. hhhhm hhhhme hmmm you might be saying snicker snicker what the firk does she think she’s doing spewing out this nonsense. Welllllll, I’m going to do it anyway, and you there judging me, well lookeee here at me judging you right back. Vicious little cycle isn’t it!! So i guess the whole point of my running diatribe is actually do your best to be inclusive, don’t pretend to be inclusive. don’t be all bullshitty with your i love everyones. try. to. be. kind. ya know what? you will feel a whole lot better about yourself if you do…so think of it as being selfish if thats what ya need….and by being kind even though your intent is to feel better about yourself, well shit damn thats going to work anyway! Thanks for reading, and hey if you wanna judge, I’m okay with that. But extra super big thanks to those of you who aren’t.

P.S. Prose today

Hows That for Grammatically Incorrect

i think you think because i choose to use “colourful” expressions like ya gotta shit ton and great balls of fuckery and fuck in varying degrees of infucktion with relish and gusto and that with pure joy I will ride a plastic dolphin in a two piece bikini chuggin a king can with a smoke hanging out the side of my mouth simply for the fuck of it that its okay for you to call me trailer. i think you think that that I am just a bit less than you. Well little darlin, I see your smuggery and I raise you the bird. you perfectly waxed and polished terd. like you don’t poop. Now Listen. about that plate of shit you dole out so fervently and carelessly passing down to each and everyone around you. your rotten gifts of judgement and condemfuckingnation self serve you a foul purpose. rotting you festering. on the inside where you allow no good deed left unpunished. no stray glee left unmolested. I can smell it on your breath, your bitter decay. each and every stray hair that dare to poke out from the mould you pluck promptly. efficiently.  its painful to watch really. I See You. ya gotta shit ton of work to do. Now go. and take your appropriateness elsefuckingwhere.

switch hit

its a beautiful day. the sun is shining the birds are chirping and I’m feeling pretty dern fantastic. that will change. i could change in five seconds it could change in a week but that will change. we cant hang onto or remain attached to feeling “good” all the time. happy all the time joy all the time. every moment is fleeting. i think we run into trouble when we hold one emotion to a higher standard than another. as though happiness is more valuable than sadness. each are equally important, even though one obviously feels ‘better’ than another. but why? what does that really mean…listen friends, i don’t exactly have this down to any sort of fie science. I’m exploring an idea here in this moment with you. what does it really mean, these feelings, what is the difference between these emotions, they are all simply feelings. so I’m doing some digging. for instance i like the feeling of being hot more than i like the feeling of being cold. Why is that? i know its not the same for everyone. lots of people prefer the cold to the heat…why? i cannot abide feeling cold. maybe there is some scientific explanation for this. I’m sure there is. regardless, i place the value of feeling heat above feeling cold. I take comfort in it. why the fuck is that? is it because i feeeeeel more when i am cold? yadder yadder. it would seem i don’t really know where i am going with this conversation today. whatev’s. this is what my brain is up to in this moment and I’m sharing it with you, I’m sure someone out there will grasp my rambling meanderings.so yeah..ummm….take for example a rainy day, some days i enjoy a rainy day, but most times the grey skies make me sad. does that mean on somedays i am simply more comfortable with being sad? lots of people love rainy days…but does that grey sky make them sad as well…in which case do they prefer the feeling of sadness to a sunshiny happy day? does that mean sadness actually makes some of us feel happy? happiness in the sadness? that must be a possibility. and does that mean it is simply a case of what we are comfortable with? is comfort the same as happiness? mmmmmm….i don’t think so. so is it a case of preconditioning? like what we are used to brings us a state of seeming joy, when ist actually just a case of deeply intrenched neuropathways (obv i don’t know exactly what I’m really talking about as i cant even spell that bitch, so please do take everything i say with a grain of salt as I’m simply snuffling about sussing it all out) feel me? i dunno. i guess what I’m saying is everything is fleeting, emotions are ephemeral, so why do we try so damn hard to hang onto the ones we like and resist the ones we dont? maybe ask yourself that the next time (or maybe its this time) you are having an emotion you’re not particularly fond of. sit with it and suss out the truth behind it.

p.s. poetry

olly olly oxen free

oh foolishly
the years spent
weeding out
the ugliness
in me
masochistically

the time
wasted
vanquishing
the monsters
i hide

this relentless
pursuit
to capture
to cast out
the pieces of me
id rather
you not see

i didn’t know
didn’t you know?
I’m everyone
savages we

cry about it why don’t you, fucks sake

Grief is. hmmm. i wanted to say grief is a funny thing but its not really is it? okay so by funny, I’m sure you know what i mean, grief is unpredictable, grief is relenting and relentless when its time to feel whatever it is you need to feel the loss of. you can try to push it away, you can try to ‘suck it up’….(do your best not to do this btw…the suck it up thing, harmful in the long run) you can try to pretend you don’t feel it. but grief is there, all of us have it, all of us. I’m talking about grief in the traditional mourning the loss of a loved one sense, but I’m also talking about the other kind of grief. the kind of grief when you realize someone isn’t who you thought they were, the type of grief that comes with heartbreak, the type of grief that comes with a new job, the leaving of something behind, the loss of something held close to your heart.the putting your hand over your heart and feeling what needs to be felt, mourning the loss of who you were before she traumatic event, or not so traumatic event. change means loss, and we forget to grieve that. okay listen, I haven’t entirely grasped this whole “life’ thing, never truly will no one can. I’m just stumbling through it like the rest of ya’ll. so my ideas and thoughts aren’t fully formed around any one concept, i am malleable. i am not set in my ways, but i gotta tell, this grief thing. it really is something. think about it…you had to throw out your favourite pair of shoes….and that in itself is upsetting, but grief? over shoes? okay lets break it down, maybe you spent years in those same shoes, hell maybe even a decade (it happens) but now they are threadbare, they’ve been shoe goo’ed to the point that they are now nothing but shoe goo and duct tape has gotten involved, now you truly have to let them go. sniffle. bye shoes. but then your kind of depressed, but you don’t equate it to the loss of shoes…youre kind of angry….nothing to do with the damn shoes, you re sad….but the shoes no, cant be right…okay lets look at this, say you bought those shoes with your ex girlfriend, who you really did love, but it didn’t work out and she left you, and the only thing you have had left of her are those shoes, but you didn’t even know that till you looked closer at your emotions after said loss of the stupid fucking shoes, but holy shit hallelujah revelation see it see it see it feeeeel it baby, you’re not just losing the shoes, you are now grieving the loss of that girlfriend all these years later. Why? because you never really grieved losing her. So now that the last piece of that relationship has been tossed in the trash, well here goes funny ol grief making you all full of the feeeeeeelings. Cry. wail. sob. heave. don’t push it away. just sit with it. feel what that grief feels like in your body. in your heart. in your gut, maybe in your left toe…. it will hurt and thats okay, life fucking hurts. it hurts way more to keep pushing that grief away though. and when you throw out the damn shoes, and feel that grief, you are letting go of something you don’t need to hang onto anymore. and there is freedom and healing in that. and the poetry. thanks for reading ❤
precise sutures

the first thing you cut out
is the heat at the heart
of the wound
you will
without question
gouge deep

this will not be a choice.
cold may replace hot, nature abhors a void

all days
ever after spent
finding your way
back to that splinter
so desperately hacked and cast off

when you suss out
the crux that cut
you must
stitch same said agony back in
regardless of decades
and what you were so sure of

this is an ugly business.  use good thread and take time while conducting this surgery.