judgey mcsmirchers

an environment of exclusion hiding in plain side, masquerading as one of inclusion. they are all around us. sheeeeesh lowisss now that right there sounds like i require a tinfoil hat (waves hands in the air ”theyre all around us they’re all around us”) yes i see that but let me raise you a do you see that? Lemme splain. Workplaces coffee shops bars families groups clubs centres all of the all the things m’kay? Im going to try to sway to the positive side but i may venture into the shitty little truth of the matter. All of these various social settings, environments ( for lack of a better words that i cant seem to wrap my noggin around at the moment) that you fell at home in or included in or a part of maybe you feel at ease there, maybe you try to but secretly harbour in your pocket that little weasel bitch self doubt nibbling away at your guts. your know your gut, the one that always knows when something or someone is not quite copacetic. Your gut, not your head or your heart, but deeeeeep in the middle of your middle. That part of you knows, if you change one single thing, you may be cast out if you stray from the mark one iota it becomes all ugly duckling and you might just be shunned. or its been happening the whole time and those people who play at being “your tribe” aint. or really they are but they judge the shit out of everything and everyone, and maybe you in fact are one of those people. If you are and you know you are and you know you are just kind of shitty to people all around, fucks sakes stoppit. I really don’t care how amazing you are, that does not make you better than that person who makes less money than you, isn’t quite as composed as you isn’t quite as “normal” as you or is too “normal” (yes people do this too) I’m right there with the rest of us, we all pull out our pointy fingers and shoot our judgement guns at people all willy nilly sometimes, when we aren’t quite awake or aware in that moment of smuggery. But hey, lets do our best not to be self righteous assholes okay. Even now some people might be reading this and judging the shit out of my grammatically incorrectness. hhhhm hhhhme hmmm you might be saying snicker snicker what the firk does she think she’s doing spewing out this nonsense. Welllllll, I’m going to do it anyway, and you there judging me, well lookeee here at me judging you right back. Vicious little cycle isn’t it!! So i guess the whole point of my running diatribe is actually do your best to be inclusive, don’t pretend to be inclusive. don’t be all bullshitty with your i love everyones. try. to. be. kind. ya know what? you will feel a whole lot better about yourself if you do…so think of it as being selfish if thats what ya need….and by being kind even though your intent is to feel better about yourself, well shit damn thats going to work anyway! Thanks for reading, and hey if you wanna judge, I’m okay with that. But extra super big thanks to those of you who aren’t.

P.S. Prose today

Hows That for Grammatically Incorrect

i think you think because i choose to use “colourful” expressions like ya gotta shit ton and great balls of fuckery and fuck in varying degrees of infucktion with relish and gusto and that with pure joy I will ride a plastic dolphin in a two piece bikini chuggin a king can with a smoke hanging out the side of my mouth simply for the fuck of it that its okay for you to call me trailer. i think you think that that I am just a bit less than you. Well little darlin, I see your smuggery and I raise you the bird. you perfectly waxed and polished terd. like you don’t poop. Now Listen. about that plate of shit you dole out so fervently and carelessly passing down to each and everyone around you. your rotten gifts of judgement and condemfuckingnation self serve you a foul purpose. rotting you festering. on the inside where you allow no good deed left unpunished. no stray glee left unmolested. I can smell it on your breath, your bitter decay. each and every stray hair that dare to poke out from the mould you pluck promptly. efficiently.  its painful to watch really. I See You. ya gotta shit ton of work to do. Now go. and take your appropriateness elsefuckingwhere.

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switch hit

its a beautiful day. the sun is shining the birds are chirping and I’m feeling pretty dern fantastic. that will change. i could change in five seconds it could change in a week but that will change. we cant hang onto or remain attached to feeling “good” all the time. happy all the time joy all the time. every moment is fleeting. i think we run into trouble when we hold one emotion to a higher standard than another. as though happiness is more valuable than sadness. each are equally important, even though one obviously feels ‘better’ than another. but why? what does that really mean…listen friends, i don’t exactly have this down to any sort of fie science. I’m exploring an idea here in this moment with you. what does it really mean, these feelings, what is the difference between these emotions, they are all simply feelings. so I’m doing some digging. for instance i like the feeling of being hot more than i like the feeling of being cold. Why is that? i know its not the same for everyone. lots of people prefer the cold to the heat…why? i cannot abide feeling cold. maybe there is some scientific explanation for this. I’m sure there is. regardless, i place the value of feeling heat above feeling cold. I take comfort in it. why the fuck is that? is it because i feeeeeel more when i am cold? yadder yadder. it would seem i don’t really know where i am going with this conversation today. whatev’s. this is what my brain is up to in this moment and I’m sharing it with you, I’m sure someone out there will grasp my rambling meanderings.so yeah..ummm….take for example a rainy day, some days i enjoy a rainy day, but most times the grey skies make me sad. does that mean on somedays i am simply more comfortable with being sad? lots of people love rainy days…but does that grey sky make them sad as well…in which case do they prefer the feeling of sadness to a sunshiny happy day? does that mean sadness actually makes some of us feel happy? happiness in the sadness? that must be a possibility. and does that mean it is simply a case of what we are comfortable with? is comfort the same as happiness? mmmmmm….i don’t think so. so is it a case of preconditioning? like what we are used to brings us a state of seeming joy, when ist actually just a case of deeply intrenched neuropathways (obv i don’t know exactly what I’m really talking about as i cant even spell that bitch, so please do take everything i say with a grain of salt as I’m simply snuffling about sussing it all out) feel me? i dunno. i guess what I’m saying is everything is fleeting, emotions are ephemeral, so why do we try so damn hard to hang onto the ones we like and resist the ones we dont? maybe ask yourself that the next time (or maybe its this time) you are having an emotion you’re not particularly fond of. sit with it and suss out the truth behind it.

p.s. poetry

olly olly oxen free

oh foolishly
the years spent
weeding out
the ugliness
in me
masochistically

the time
wasted
vanquishing
the monsters
i hide

this relentless
pursuit
to capture
to cast out
the pieces of me
id rather
you not see

i didn’t know
didn’t you know?
I’m everyone
savages we

cry about it why don’t you, fucks sake

Grief is. hmmm. i wanted to say grief is a funny thing but its not really is it? okay so by funny, I’m sure you know what i mean, grief is unpredictable, grief is relenting and relentless when its time to feel whatever it is you need to feel the loss of. you can try to push it away, you can try to ‘suck it up’….(do your best not to do this btw…the suck it up thing, harmful in the long run) you can try to pretend you don’t feel it. but grief is there, all of us have it, all of us. I’m talking about grief in the traditional mourning the loss of a loved one sense, but I’m also talking about the other kind of grief. the kind of grief when you realize someone isn’t who you thought they were, the type of grief that comes with heartbreak, the type of grief that comes with a new job, the leaving of something behind, the loss of something held close to your heart.the putting your hand over your heart and feeling what needs to be felt, mourning the loss of who you were before she traumatic event, or not so traumatic event. change means loss, and we forget to grieve that. okay listen, I haven’t entirely grasped this whole “life’ thing, never truly will no one can. I’m just stumbling through it like the rest of ya’ll. so my ideas and thoughts aren’t fully formed around any one concept, i am malleable. i am not set in my ways, but i gotta tell, this grief thing. it really is something. think about it…you had to throw out your favourite pair of shoes….and that in itself is upsetting, but grief? over shoes? okay lets break it down, maybe you spent years in those same shoes, hell maybe even a decade (it happens) but now they are threadbare, they’ve been shoe goo’ed to the point that they are now nothing but shoe goo and duct tape has gotten involved, now you truly have to let them go. sniffle. bye shoes. but then your kind of depressed, but you don’t equate it to the loss of shoes…youre kind of angry….nothing to do with the damn shoes, you re sad….but the shoes no, cant be right…okay lets look at this, say you bought those shoes with your ex girlfriend, who you really did love, but it didn’t work out and she left you, and the only thing you have had left of her are those shoes, but you didn’t even know that till you looked closer at your emotions after said loss of the stupid fucking shoes, but holy shit hallelujah revelation see it see it see it feeeeel it baby, you’re not just losing the shoes, you are now grieving the loss of that girlfriend all these years later. Why? because you never really grieved losing her. So now that the last piece of that relationship has been tossed in the trash, well here goes funny ol grief making you all full of the feeeeeeelings. Cry. wail. sob. heave. don’t push it away. just sit with it. feel what that grief feels like in your body. in your heart. in your gut, maybe in your left toe…. it will hurt and thats okay, life fucking hurts. it hurts way more to keep pushing that grief away though. and when you throw out the damn shoes, and feel that grief, you are letting go of something you don’t need to hang onto anymore. and there is freedom and healing in that. and the poetry. thanks for reading ❤
precise sutures

the first thing you cut out
is the heat at the heart
of the wound
you will
without question
gouge deep

this will not be a choice.
cold may replace hot, nature abhors a void

all days
ever after spent
finding your way
back to that splinter
so desperately hacked and cast off

when you suss out
the crux that cut
you must
stitch same said agony back in
regardless of decades
and what you were so sure of

this is an ugly business.  use good thread and take time while conducting this surgery.

genuine

my smile is my armour. i guess. sometimes. i recently had someone mention while on vacation how strong a person i was. he was referring to the fact that throughout the week i had a smile on my face overtime he looked at me. i think that was what he was referring to, as that was the topic at hand. who knows though, i am assuming. i never did ask for clarification. i just laughed and said thank you. funny how we can sometimes say thank you, but not truly understand what we are thanking someone for. its the same as an apology, how often have you apologized with no true idea or understanding why you are apologizing…i digress, as i do. Smile. thats where i was going with this. i smile. i have heard it referenced a number of times, that i keep smiling. at times i am truly happy…but sometimes…when I’m truly stressed to the max i smile so hard my body aches. my muscles hence, my jaw hurts. its my armour. if i keep smiling i receive (generally) smiles in return. so thats a good thing, right? a friend passed on this saying to me, which was passed onto him by someone he used to work for. where it can from i have no idea, if you know please do let me know. the saying goes…well actually its more of a riddle…the more you give away the more you get in return…answer: smiles. Now thats beautiful!! So i do like to keep that one in my pocket. More flies with honey right? welllllll you catch the most flies with bullshit, but thats another blog post. smiles. if you look in the mirror and smile at yourself, guess what? well folks, guess what? you get a smile in return!!! and so despite my smiling issue when I’m stressed, it actually does help relieve the stress. maybe on some fucked up level stress makes me happy, stranger things have happened. I’m sure there is a very simple psychological study that correlates to that. some stress serotonin trigger or something. who knows, not me!! but even taking about all this smiling is, guess what? Yep sure enough its putting a goddamn smile on my face. a trick i have been using as well, i read it somewhere, don’t ask me where, i dunno. but i read that when you are walking down the street, count the smiles. look for the smiling faces. then you are focusing on the joy around you instead of walking around focusing on all the scowly grumpuses. that just fucks up your day. i never noticed before how many people around me are actually smiling until i started using this little technique. it works. pfffft of course it works! its all what you seek isn’t it? lets get all 90’s and quote some pearl jam ‘what you fear the most will meet you half way” ( listen i don’t know if thats an eddie original or not, if not feel free to correct me, i really cant be bothered to look it up right now ‘kay.) so if we spin that lyric on its head and dissect it a bit, the meaning is that what we are looking for is looking for us right? so I’m going to look for smiles, and wear one as often as i have a mind to. who doesn’t love to smile? well I’m sure lots of people, but whatev’s this is my blog and i wanna genuine smile. thanks for reading you lovelies ❤ heres a bit of poetry cause i like the poetries.

Oh Good How Are You

I long for a day
undappled by
these fickle salutations
these untraceable poisons
the lies disguising the roar
behind the smiles
that don’t quite reach our eyes

and again

Begin again. SO here i am starting over. Really its not THAT dramatic. Its not one of those situations where I’m starting my whole life over. We’ve all been there, right? Well, a lot of us anyway and if you haven’t i don’t know whether its more appropriate to say lucky you or my condolences. Why my condolences? If you’ve never had to start all over again then you have lost the opportunity to fail, to feel your way through that fail and come out the other side transformed. I digress. As i was fucking saying, I’m not talking about the dramatic life altering starting over…or am I? How do i know what single thing i do in a day is going to alter my life forever. Is restarting a 30 day writing challenge, after having cast it by the wayside in favour of “more important things” (i mean really i did have an art deadline, so all bets are off when it comes to your art? right? But writing is my art too…hmmmm) I’m quite the beat around the busher today folks. Okay lets begin again. Here i am restarting this goal, this challenge i have set for myself to write 500 words for 30 days. Now here is what i have learned. When i don’t accomplish what i say I’m going to do, i feel sort of guilty, i feel down on myself, i feel defeated. SO why the fuck would i do that to myself? I also find spilling out the deluge of random or not so random thought, this chain of consciousness style of writing if thats what it is, is cathartic. When i finish, a weight has lifted. If i do nothing else but this one thing today, well, thats still a huge accomplishment. thats a yayyyyy me, pat on the back, go champ go, you got this you jaunty mutha fucka. Whats the worst that can happen? you fail, not a big deal. But if you don’t try, you’ve already failed. hmmm. now thats a bit of a conundrum, here i am touting the virtues of trying and failing, and saying if you don try you already have failed, so isn’t that a lesson is failure in itself? Yes, i guess it is. But i think thats a much more painful sort of fail, the lack of reach, the wondering what if, the regret of not doing will always be bigger than the regret of doing. For the most part anyway. I have no defined lines of this is this and that is that. Life is not black and white, its all grey area. Or better yet, its all colours and lack thereof. So i have begun. Whats next? I have no idea, my only hope is that i stick with my goal and all ya’ll hear from me tomorrow. To whoever is paying attention and reading this randomness of mine, thank you. And as always, cause its how i roll, here is a wee bit of poetry if youre so inclined.

And Again

with the arrival
of each breath
yet another chance
to begin again

the cookies crumbles

Has anyone else noticed this bizarro rise in nationalism? You kind of cant ignore it, unless you’re  all ostrich style with your head stuck in the sand. I find it interesting that we stand at a point in history when we are more connected globally then we have ever been before, so why the snap back? I wonder if there is a fear of losing control, a tightening of the grip in the face of a world wide coming together. The world united is terrifying for the powers that be, the infamous “they” Their power lies in keeping us separate.  “we didn’t cross the borders, they borders crossed us” is one of my favourite protest chants.  If we remain connected and grow that connection, then as a whole we become less apt to be okay with the exploitation of others for cheap t-shirts etc. We become less and less okay with the profit machine when we connect with those people who suffer for our gains. In order for control to be maintained, we have to see ourselves a separate.  We are more apt to be outraged when the person being exploited is someone from our own nation, its easier to disconnect when we see someone as “other” This compassion trade off for profit requires borders. “oh they live there” so the rules of basic human decency don’t apply.  when we see ourselves as a whole, united globally,  the cookie crumbles. This entire fucked up system that we base our lives upon will collapse if we band together, stand up and say “no more.” But that cont happen if we are kept divided. The closer we get to this realization, this awareness of that we are a global community, the tighter they pull the crazy making strings. The harder the they clench their fists. I know i know this sounds like new age hippy dippy crap. Which i am quite partial to btw. But guess what? It is. and also its not all crap. If you look closer, past all the I’m more evolved than you and if your not a vegan drinking fucking algae smoothies you don’t quite measure up. unfortunately that type of thinking is counter productive to the actual intent at the heart of the hippy love fest. which is what? well its love of course. It is coming together, building an awareness that we are in fact all in this together (thanks sam roberts) we really are. the sooner we wake up to that fact, the better for the entire planet and every creature that lives on it. Maybe the key is recognizing that and acting accordingly. Maybe we can stop seeing other countries as enemies, threats, as separate. at the core each of us is much the same. we are all just trying to make it through the day. But what do i now? I’m just trying to make it through my own day. I really do love the notion that I’m not alone in this. Thanks for reading. big love ❤

 

PS. heeeeeres a poem peeps

hush

lets not speak of gods

or lack thereof

you never know

when one is listening

and surely we don’t need to draw

attention to

what we’ve been up to

these days

lets just play frisbee

in the rain

and be grateful

for the water

thats come

to settle the dust

a fleeting quench

for the

unquenchable we

lets pretend

there will be no repercussions

Step 2 freestyle digging

so I’ve been following along with jeff goins emails for the 500 word a day 31 day challenge. If you haven’t checked him out yet, do it, right here. He has kicked my procrastination right in the ass. Todays tip was to free write. Now here is a secret. This what i do anyway!! I do have to stop myself from going back and re reading what i just wrote, i am mindful off that. But here is a tip: don’t do that. Just write. Now the other cool thing about free writing is it makes for an excellent therapeutic tool. So i guess this post has turned into step two of my unsolicited advice givingness. After you’ve followed through with step one which you can find here. Proceed with this: take five minutes of your time to free write, just type scribble scribe your little heart out for 5 minutes. Set a timer if you need to and f your just not cool at this point with giving yourself more than five minutes of personal time. and then you’re gonna let it flow. Just allow your thoughts and write them down, the good the bad, the ugly (remember i said I’m a fan of cliches?) So what i mean is this type of thing “oh the damn cat needs food, where did i put those photos from 20 years ago i always put things where i cant find them why hasn’t my dad called me in three months, fuck i suck at keeping track of things, i really want some chocolate, why cant never do anything right, if i could just stop procrastinating i could get shit done, the toilet needs scrubbing, god i wonder what that chick from high school is up to these days, i ate to much chocolate, i have no self control, really want to learn how to become a writer but i suck at writing and i don’t know where to begin, i wish i would have gone to university to be an environmental scientist but its too late for me to start something new…..blah blah blah. Okay so here is my point, when you free write in that style (though i don’t necessarily suggest that for a blog or novel or whatever it is you want to write about) in an effort to be more mindful this is a great direction to go in. and it is the direction i am going in for this post, and I’m not editing anything for 31 days, cause thats the name of the game for this challenge. You then can look back at what the hell runs through your head when you are not being conscious of your thinking. You can monitor your monkey mind and perhaps pinpoint some key thoughts that are fucking up your chi, zen, hey you get off of my cloud happy place. Thoughts that you didn’t even know were there. Negative self criticisms and anxieties that are fucking with your otherwise sunny day. Why is this good to do? Because if you know you’re having these thoughts youre on your way to changing them. You have to be conscious of that little hamster spinning its wheel before you can figure out which thoughts you want to feed and which thoughts you need to acknowledge, get to the roots of, and feel. Yes folks at the end of the day its all about feeling. You’ve got to feel it to heal it. Its wonderful for people to go around touting the old “let it go” slice of craptastci. but here is the thing: you cant let go of something if you don’t know what fuck it is you’re hanging onto in the first place. So if something angers you, if something causes you to feel said, you have to look at the emotion under that. What is at the root of that emotion? is it disappointment? okay, so what is under that disappointment. Is is sorrow? what is under that sorrow? dig deep. You feel me? So yeah, um start with step one (you will find that in an earlier post) and then move to free writing to help you figure out what is going on in that beautiful brain of yours. For me to carve out the free space to do this, i actually wear a plastic tiara. true story. why the hell do i do that you ask? so that if anyone approaches me in my house that may interrupt this free wheeling writing time, they see the tiara and stop themselves. If they do not, i simply point to it “the queen is writing” and carry on, i don’t miss a beat because i have removed any and all feelings of guilt or obligation by clearly stating that THIS MEANS IM WRITING and i am giving no shits about anything other than what i am doing right at this moment. Go get a toque, tiara, alien ball headband, double beer can cap, seriously whatever floats your boat, and tell your people this piece of hear gear means no interruptus meiticus. I know, its very grand, but thats okay, what could be more grand than figuring out who you are and how you tick? There might be no more important thing in this life of yours.  Thanks for reading my rambling ways ❤

 

P.S. Heres some poetry

Dig

On a clear day

Out of thin air

you pull the pain

like pulling weeds

like an amateur

you fail

to dig out the roots

instead

in your haste to

“get on with it”

you pluck

and you savour

and you fucking wallow

and leave allowance

for regrowth

unaware

that every. single. time.

you pluck that weed

to keep your hands clean

you strengthen the roots

of what you do not

want to grow.