switch hit

its a beautiful day. the sun is shining the birds are chirping and I’m feeling pretty dern fantastic. that will change. i could change in five seconds it could change in a week but that will change. we cant hang onto or remain attached to feeling “good” all the time. happy all the time joy all the time. every moment is fleeting. i think we run into trouble when we hold one emotion to a higher standard than another. as though happiness is more valuable than sadness. each are equally important, even though one obviously feels ‘better’ than another. but why? what does that really mean…listen friends, i don’t exactly have this down to any sort of fie science. I’m exploring an idea here in this moment with you. what does it really mean, these feelings, what is the difference between these emotions, they are all simply feelings. so I’m doing some digging. for instance i like the feeling of being hot more than i like the feeling of being cold. Why is that? i know its not the same for everyone. lots of people prefer the cold to the heat…why? i cannot abide feeling cold. maybe there is some scientific explanation for this. I’m sure there is. regardless, i place the value of feeling heat above feeling cold. I take comfort in it. why the fuck is that? is it because i feeeeeel more when i am cold? yadder yadder. it would seem i don’t really know where i am going with this conversation today. whatev’s. this is what my brain is up to in this moment and I’m sharing it with you, I’m sure someone out there will grasp my rambling meanderings.so yeah..ummm….take for example a rainy day, some days i enjoy a rainy day, but most times the grey skies make me sad. does that mean on somedays i am simply more comfortable with being sad? lots of people love rainy days…but does that grey sky make them sad as well…in which case do they prefer the feeling of sadness to a sunshiny happy day? does that mean sadness actually makes some of us feel happy? happiness in the sadness? that must be a possibility. and does that mean it is simply a case of what we are comfortable with? is comfort the same as happiness? mmmmmm….i don’t think so. so is it a case of preconditioning? like what we are used to brings us a state of seeming joy, when ist actually just a case of deeply intrenched neuropathways (obv i don’t know exactly what I’m really talking about as i cant even spell that bitch, so please do take everything i say with a grain of salt as I’m simply snuffling about sussing it all out) feel me? i dunno. i guess what I’m saying is everything is fleeting, emotions are ephemeral, so why do we try so damn hard to hang onto the ones we like and resist the ones we dont? maybe ask yourself that the next time (or maybe its this time) you are having an emotion you’re not particularly fond of. sit with it and suss out the truth behind it.

p.s. poetry

olly olly oxen free

oh foolishly
the years spent
weeding out
the ugliness
in me
masochistically

the time
wasted
vanquishing
the monsters
i hide

this relentless
pursuit
to capture
to cast out
the pieces of me
id rather
you not see

i didn’t know
didn’t you know?
I’m everyone
savages we

Step 2 freestyle digging

so I’ve been following along with jeff goins emails for the 500 word a day 31 day challenge. If you haven’t checked him out yet, do it, right here. He has kicked my procrastination right in the ass. Todays tip was to free write. Now here is a secret. This what i do anyway!! I do have to stop myself from going back and re reading what i just wrote, i am mindful off that. But here is a tip: don’t do that. Just write. Now the other cool thing about free writing is it makes for an excellent therapeutic tool. So i guess this post has turned into step two of my unsolicited advice givingness. After you’ve followed through with step one which you can find here. Proceed with this: take five minutes of your time to free write, just type scribble scribe your little heart out for 5 minutes. Set a timer if you need to and f your just not cool at this point with giving yourself more than five minutes of personal time. and then you’re gonna let it flow. Just allow your thoughts and write them down, the good the bad, the ugly (remember i said I’m a fan of cliches?) So what i mean is this type of thing “oh the damn cat needs food, where did i put those photos from 20 years ago i always put things where i cant find them why hasn’t my dad called me in three months, fuck i suck at keeping track of things, i really want some chocolate, why cant never do anything right, if i could just stop procrastinating i could get shit done, the toilet needs scrubbing, god i wonder what that chick from high school is up to these days, i ate to much chocolate, i have no self control, really want to learn how to become a writer but i suck at writing and i don’t know where to begin, i wish i would have gone to university to be an environmental scientist but its too late for me to start something new…..blah blah blah. Okay so here is my point, when you free write in that style (though i don’t necessarily suggest that for a blog or novel or whatever it is you want to write about) in an effort to be more mindful this is a great direction to go in. and it is the direction i am going in for this post, and I’m not editing anything for 31 days, cause thats the name of the game for this challenge. You then can look back at what the hell runs through your head when you are not being conscious of your thinking. You can monitor your monkey mind and perhaps pinpoint some key thoughts that are fucking up your chi, zen, hey you get off of my cloud happy place. Thoughts that you didn’t even know were there. Negative self criticisms and anxieties that are fucking with your otherwise sunny day. Why is this good to do? Because if you know you’re having these thoughts youre on your way to changing them. You have to be conscious of that little hamster spinning its wheel before you can figure out which thoughts you want to feed and which thoughts you need to acknowledge, get to the roots of, and feel. Yes folks at the end of the day its all about feeling. You’ve got to feel it to heal it. Its wonderful for people to go around touting the old “let it go” slice of craptastci. but here is the thing: you cant let go of something if you don’t know what fuck it is you’re hanging onto in the first place. So if something angers you, if something causes you to feel said, you have to look at the emotion under that. What is at the root of that emotion? is it disappointment? okay, so what is under that disappointment. Is is sorrow? what is under that sorrow? dig deep. You feel me? So yeah, um start with step one (you will find that in an earlier post) and then move to free writing to help you figure out what is going on in that beautiful brain of yours. For me to carve out the free space to do this, i actually wear a plastic tiara. true story. why the hell do i do that you ask? so that if anyone approaches me in my house that may interrupt this free wheeling writing time, they see the tiara and stop themselves. If they do not, i simply point to it “the queen is writing” and carry on, i don’t miss a beat because i have removed any and all feelings of guilt or obligation by clearly stating that THIS MEANS IM WRITING and i am giving no shits about anything other than what i am doing right at this moment. Go get a toque, tiara, alien ball headband, double beer can cap, seriously whatever floats your boat, and tell your people this piece of hear gear means no interruptus meiticus. I know, its very grand, but thats okay, what could be more grand than figuring out who you are and how you tick? There might be no more important thing in this life of yours.  Thanks for reading my rambling ways ❤

 

P.S. Heres some poetry

Dig

On a clear day

Out of thin air

you pull the pain

like pulling weeds

like an amateur

you fail

to dig out the roots

instead

in your haste to

“get on with it”

you pluck

and you savour

and you fucking wallow

and leave allowance

for regrowth

unaware

that every. single. time.

you pluck that weed

to keep your hands clean

you strengthen the roots

of what you do not

want to grow.

you are not your yesterdays

I will never be the same person i was yesterday. I will also never spray my lawn with herbicides and pesticides. How do these two things relate you ask? I want to allow for naturally occurring growth. Plus i like dandelions. You feel me?

Okay let me break it down a bit. when i woke up this morning i have the same hair teeth body feet palms of both hands. Well maybe i got a haircut. so that would have been something within my realm of control to change about my appearance, so not the same as yesterday. But I’m talking about the bigger picture here. Even if no giant thing happened yesterday that led to some aha!! I see things clearly now, i understand the meaning of life! I had a moment of epiphany and now it all makes sense! Even if i didn’t have one of those momemnts, i am still not the same person i was yesterday. Little moments throughout even the most mundane of days add up to change. They add up to cells sloughing off throughout my house adding to the layer of dust on my grandmothers antique furniture that i hang on to for god know what reason…thats another blog post, let me rewind my thoughts back around to my point…what the hell is my point? hmm. okay. I will never be the same person i was yesterday because we are constantly changing, evolving hanging onto to or at best letting go of what need be let go of, eternally evolving. we have to, i have to, i want to do let go of the past in order to live now. so why do i keep ruminating over and over what happened yesterday? last week last month last year when i can’t undo or redo any of those moments that my brain somehow wants to rearrange, chew and stew on over and over as though if i could just put those pieces into some discernible order i could file it into some sort of brain file that my ego is satisfied with. ah yes here is where that goes i can move forward now that I’ve thought that memory into grey tatters of what never really was in the first place. what we remember as having happened didn’t really happen that was anyway, its only our interpretation of events. So my point is, if we can allow ourselves the freedom of knowing that today we are not the same people we were yesterday, we are free to be whoever it is we want to be today. See how that lifts a burden? You don’t have to hang on to yours and others’ preconceived notions of “this is who i am”. You are not your yesterdays. you are your right now. Placing those yesterdays on your todays is much the same as spraying those chemicals on your lawn, Its an attempt to control what is naturally occuring. Growth and change. You can build upon those yesterdays, but those yesterdays are not who you are today. Allow yourself to begin again, everyday.

I should probably edit this, but in the spirit of moving forward, and in  the spirit of writing and unedited 500 words a day for 31 days, ima just carry on. Thanks for reading ❤

P.S. Here is a poem that kind of sums up what I’m trying to say in a tidy package

Nest 

we are constantly being reborn

giving birth to ourselves

building nests

cocoons

rejecting nests built for us and by us and those not yet created

constructed

tearing down

demolishing

nests cocoons webs

gestating

building waiting destroying hatching rising birthing

gathering

rebuilding

making things “just so”

or shirking those conventions

transforming

nests to strengthen our wings

nests to shelter and to hide

to nurture

to be born and be reborn

birthing ourselves

constantly becoming

subtly

or drastically

altered

it may be

why we can never clearly truthfully honestly

recall the past, what has passed

like a dream

we are reborn

from this moment

to this moment.

No-one knows what they’re doing until they do

Lemme let you in on a little secret. I don’t know what I’m doing. maybe some of you have figured that out already, if you have read my last two posts you may be on to me. But here is the kicker. Im doing it anyway. So i guess you could look at it this way, its the old fake it till you make it, or if you’ve watched that amazing ted talk (if you haven’t you could do yourself a favour and watch it here) fake it till you become it. So being a fan of cliche’s (which are apparently a no no when writing, but whatevs) I’m giving it the old college try. I have spent a lifetime of not doing the things that make my heart sing because of that little secret.But here is something I’ve figured out: no-one started out knowing what the were doing. Every amazing accomplishement started with someone taking that first step. Reaching into the unknown and grabbing on to whatever they could get a grip on. So here i go. I have basically no formal writing training. I did take a part time college course way way back on travel writing and I’ve also been writing poetry since i was eleven, but does that qualify me to do anything? Nope. Is writing this blog paying me anything? Nope. Is anyone reading this? i dunno, we shall see. But I’m not writing this for anyone else but me. So what is it you have always wanted to do? Think abut that. Write it down. Maybe you have a whole fistful of dreams you’ve never dared to let fly out of the grip of all the naysaying voices in and out of you’re head. Write them all down. Then what you’re  going to do is narrow that list down to one thing you can start doing right now. Is there a trip you’ve always wanted to take? Start saving right now, don’t buy that $4 cuppa and put that money in a drawer, under your mattress, in a piggy bank, in an old pb jar. Start there. If money is not the issue, then what is holding you back? Write a list of what is stopping you. Then cross those reasons off that list one by one and buy that fucking ticket. Get up off your ass and get out the door. Always wanted to write a novel? Well lookeee loo, start the 500 word a day challenge, thats what I’m doing as we speak. I know you may not know what your doing, but like i said, neither do I and I’m doing it anyway. Stop thinking of all the reasons why you cant and pick one reason why you need to. Your heart, soul, spirit that big giant something greater than all the no’s is telling you yes. So yes! You will make mistakes. Who cares? Everyone makes mistakes. If someone has you convinced that they don’t, well honey they are full of shit. We all stumble through the door on occasion the only thing that matters is that you walk through that door. Thanks for reading ❤

P.S. Seeing as poetry really is my thing, here is a poem.

Dullbulb

that dust you gather

that light you shut out

and all that standing still

possessing the trappings

of a convincing lampshade

invest in some dingle balls

spice it up a bit at least

fucks sake