judgey mcsmirchers

an environment of exclusion hiding in plain side, masquerading as one of inclusion. they are all around us. sheeeeesh lowisss now that right there sounds like i require a tinfoil hat (waves hands in the air ”theyre all around us they’re all around us”) yes i see that but let me raise you a do you see that? Lemme splain. Workplaces coffee shops bars families groups clubs centres all of the all the things m’kay? Im going to try to sway to the positive side but i may venture into the shitty little truth of the matter. All of these various social settings, environments ( for lack of a better words that i cant seem to wrap my noggin around at the moment) that you fell at home in or included in or a part of maybe you feel at ease there, maybe you try to but secretly harbour in your pocket that little weasel bitch self doubt nibbling away at your guts. your know your gut, the one that always knows when something or someone is not quite copacetic. Your gut, not your head or your heart, but deeeeeep in the middle of your middle. That part of you knows, if you change one single thing, you may be cast out if you stray from the mark one iota it becomes all ugly duckling and you might just be shunned. or its been happening the whole time and those people who play at being “your tribe” aint. or really they are but they judge the shit out of everything and everyone, and maybe you in fact are one of those people. If you are and you know you are and you know you are just kind of shitty to people all around, fucks sakes stoppit. I really don’t care how amazing you are, that does not make you better than that person who makes less money than you, isn’t quite as composed as you isn’t quite as “normal” as you or is too “normal” (yes people do this too) I’m right there with the rest of us, we all pull out our pointy fingers and shoot our judgement guns at people all willy nilly sometimes, when we aren’t quite awake or aware in that moment of smuggery. But hey, lets do our best not to be self righteous assholes okay. Even now some people might be reading this and judging the shit out of my grammatically incorrectness. hhhhm hhhhme hmmm you might be saying snicker snicker what the firk does she think she’s doing spewing out this nonsense. Welllllll, I’m going to do it anyway, and you there judging me, well lookeee here at me judging you right back. Vicious little cycle isn’t it!! So i guess the whole point of my running diatribe is actually do your best to be inclusive, don’t pretend to be inclusive. don’t be all bullshitty with your i love everyones. try. to. be. kind. ya know what? you will feel a whole lot better about yourself if you do…so think of it as being selfish if thats what ya need….and by being kind even though your intent is to feel better about yourself, well shit damn thats going to work anyway! Thanks for reading, and hey if you wanna judge, I’m okay with that. But extra super big thanks to those of you who aren’t.

P.S. Prose today

Hows That for Grammatically Incorrect

i think you think because i choose to use “colourful” expressions like ya gotta shit ton and great balls of fuckery and fuck in varying degrees of infucktion with relish and gusto and that with pure joy I will ride a plastic dolphin in a two piece bikini chuggin a king can with a smoke hanging out the side of my mouth simply for the fuck of it that its okay for you to call me trailer. i think you think that that I am just a bit less than you. Well little darlin, I see your smuggery and I raise you the bird. you perfectly waxed and polished terd. like you don’t poop. Now Listen. about that plate of shit you dole out so fervently and carelessly passing down to each and everyone around you. your rotten gifts of judgement and condemfuckingnation self serve you a foul purpose. rotting you festering. on the inside where you allow no good deed left unpunished. no stray glee left unmolested. I can smell it on your breath, your bitter decay. each and every stray hair that dare to poke out from the mould you pluck promptly. efficiently.  its painful to watch really. I See You. ya gotta shit ton of work to do. Now go. and take your appropriateness elsefuckingwhere.

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switch hit

its a beautiful day. the sun is shining the birds are chirping and I’m feeling pretty dern fantastic. that will change. i could change in five seconds it could change in a week but that will change. we cant hang onto or remain attached to feeling “good” all the time. happy all the time joy all the time. every moment is fleeting. i think we run into trouble when we hold one emotion to a higher standard than another. as though happiness is more valuable than sadness. each are equally important, even though one obviously feels ‘better’ than another. but why? what does that really mean…listen friends, i don’t exactly have this down to any sort of fie science. I’m exploring an idea here in this moment with you. what does it really mean, these feelings, what is the difference between these emotions, they are all simply feelings. so I’m doing some digging. for instance i like the feeling of being hot more than i like the feeling of being cold. Why is that? i know its not the same for everyone. lots of people prefer the cold to the heat…why? i cannot abide feeling cold. maybe there is some scientific explanation for this. I’m sure there is. regardless, i place the value of feeling heat above feeling cold. I take comfort in it. why the fuck is that? is it because i feeeeeel more when i am cold? yadder yadder. it would seem i don’t really know where i am going with this conversation today. whatev’s. this is what my brain is up to in this moment and I’m sharing it with you, I’m sure someone out there will grasp my rambling meanderings.so yeah..ummm….take for example a rainy day, some days i enjoy a rainy day, but most times the grey skies make me sad. does that mean on somedays i am simply more comfortable with being sad? lots of people love rainy days…but does that grey sky make them sad as well…in which case do they prefer the feeling of sadness to a sunshiny happy day? does that mean sadness actually makes some of us feel happy? happiness in the sadness? that must be a possibility. and does that mean it is simply a case of what we are comfortable with? is comfort the same as happiness? mmmmmm….i don’t think so. so is it a case of preconditioning? like what we are used to brings us a state of seeming joy, when ist actually just a case of deeply intrenched neuropathways (obv i don’t know exactly what I’m really talking about as i cant even spell that bitch, so please do take everything i say with a grain of salt as I’m simply snuffling about sussing it all out) feel me? i dunno. i guess what I’m saying is everything is fleeting, emotions are ephemeral, so why do we try so damn hard to hang onto the ones we like and resist the ones we dont? maybe ask yourself that the next time (or maybe its this time) you are having an emotion you’re not particularly fond of. sit with it and suss out the truth behind it.

p.s. poetry

olly olly oxen free

oh foolishly
the years spent
weeding out
the ugliness
in me
masochistically

the time
wasted
vanquishing
the monsters
i hide

this relentless
pursuit
to capture
to cast out
the pieces of me
id rather
you not see

i didn’t know
didn’t you know?
I’m everyone
savages we

you are not your yesterdays

I will never be the same person i was yesterday. I will also never spray my lawn with herbicides and pesticides. How do these two things relate you ask? I want to allow for naturally occurring growth. Plus i like dandelions. You feel me?

Okay let me break it down a bit. when i woke up this morning i have the same hair teeth body feet palms of both hands. Well maybe i got a haircut. so that would have been something within my realm of control to change about my appearance, so not the same as yesterday. But I’m talking about the bigger picture here. Even if no giant thing happened yesterday that led to some aha!! I see things clearly now, i understand the meaning of life! I had a moment of epiphany and now it all makes sense! Even if i didn’t have one of those momemnts, i am still not the same person i was yesterday. Little moments throughout even the most mundane of days add up to change. They add up to cells sloughing off throughout my house adding to the layer of dust on my grandmothers antique furniture that i hang on to for god know what reason…thats another blog post, let me rewind my thoughts back around to my point…what the hell is my point? hmm. okay. I will never be the same person i was yesterday because we are constantly changing, evolving hanging onto to or at best letting go of what need be let go of, eternally evolving. we have to, i have to, i want to do let go of the past in order to live now. so why do i keep ruminating over and over what happened yesterday? last week last month last year when i can’t undo or redo any of those moments that my brain somehow wants to rearrange, chew and stew on over and over as though if i could just put those pieces into some discernible order i could file it into some sort of brain file that my ego is satisfied with. ah yes here is where that goes i can move forward now that I’ve thought that memory into grey tatters of what never really was in the first place. what we remember as having happened didn’t really happen that was anyway, its only our interpretation of events. So my point is, if we can allow ourselves the freedom of knowing that today we are not the same people we were yesterday, we are free to be whoever it is we want to be today. See how that lifts a burden? You don’t have to hang on to yours and others’ preconceived notions of “this is who i am”. You are not your yesterdays. you are your right now. Placing those yesterdays on your todays is much the same as spraying those chemicals on your lawn, Its an attempt to control what is naturally occuring. Growth and change. You can build upon those yesterdays, but those yesterdays are not who you are today. Allow yourself to begin again, everyday.

I should probably edit this, but in the spirit of moving forward, and in  the spirit of writing and unedited 500 words a day for 31 days, ima just carry on. Thanks for reading ❤

P.S. Here is a poem that kind of sums up what I’m trying to say in a tidy package

Nest 

we are constantly being reborn

giving birth to ourselves

building nests

cocoons

rejecting nests built for us and by us and those not yet created

constructed

tearing down

demolishing

nests cocoons webs

gestating

building waiting destroying hatching rising birthing

gathering

rebuilding

making things “just so”

or shirking those conventions

transforming

nests to strengthen our wings

nests to shelter and to hide

to nurture

to be born and be reborn

birthing ourselves

constantly becoming

subtly

or drastically

altered

it may be

why we can never clearly truthfully honestly

recall the past, what has passed

like a dream

we are reborn

from this moment

to this moment.