judgey mcsmirchers

an environment of exclusion hiding in plain side, masquerading as one of inclusion. they are all around us. sheeeeesh lowisss now that right there sounds like i require a tinfoil hat (waves hands in the air ”theyre all around us they’re all around us”) yes i see that but let me raise you a do you see that? Lemme splain. Workplaces coffee shops bars families groups clubs centres all of the all the things m’kay? Im going to try to sway to the positive side but i may venture into the shitty little truth of the matter. All of these various social settings, environments ( for lack of a better words that i cant seem to wrap my noggin around at the moment) that you fell at home in or included in or a part of maybe you feel at ease there, maybe you try to but secretly harbour in your pocket that little weasel bitch self doubt nibbling away at your guts. your know your gut, the one that always knows when something or someone is not quite copacetic. Your gut, not your head or your heart, but deeeeeep in the middle of your middle. That part of you knows, if you change one single thing, you may be cast out if you stray from the mark one iota it becomes all ugly duckling and you might just be shunned. or its been happening the whole time and those people who play at being “your tribe” aint. or really they are but they judge the shit out of everything and everyone, and maybe you in fact are one of those people. If you are and you know you are and you know you are just kind of shitty to people all around, fucks sakes stoppit. I really don’t care how amazing you are, that does not make you better than that person who makes less money than you, isn’t quite as composed as you isn’t quite as “normal” as you or is too “normal” (yes people do this too) I’m right there with the rest of us, we all pull out our pointy fingers and shoot our judgement guns at people all willy nilly sometimes, when we aren’t quite awake or aware in that moment of smuggery. But hey, lets do our best not to be self righteous assholes okay. Even now some people might be reading this and judging the shit out of my grammatically incorrectness. hhhhm hhhhme hmmm you might be saying snicker snicker what the firk does she think she’s doing spewing out this nonsense. Welllllll, I’m going to do it anyway, and you there judging me, well lookeee here at me judging you right back. Vicious little cycle isn’t it!! So i guess the whole point of my running diatribe is actually do your best to be inclusive, don’t pretend to be inclusive. don’t be all bullshitty with your i love everyones. try. to. be. kind. ya know what? you will feel a whole lot better about yourself if you do…so think of it as being selfish if thats what ya need….and by being kind even though your intent is to feel better about yourself, well shit damn thats going to work anyway! Thanks for reading, and hey if you wanna judge, I’m okay with that. But extra super big thanks to those of you who aren’t.

P.S. Prose today

Hows That for Grammatically Incorrect

i think you think because i choose to use “colourful” expressions like ya gotta shit ton and great balls of fuckery and fuck in varying degrees of infucktion with relish and gusto and that with pure joy I will ride a plastic dolphin in a two piece bikini chuggin a king can with a smoke hanging out the side of my mouth simply for the fuck of it that its okay for you to call me trailer. i think you think that that I am just a bit less than you. Well little darlin, I see your smuggery and I raise you the bird. you perfectly waxed and polished terd. like you don’t poop. Now Listen. about that plate of shit you dole out so fervently and carelessly passing down to each and everyone around you. your rotten gifts of judgement and condemfuckingnation self serve you a foul purpose. rotting you festering. on the inside where you allow no good deed left unpunished. no stray glee left unmolested. I can smell it on your breath, your bitter decay. each and every stray hair that dare to poke out from the mould you pluck promptly. efficiently.  its painful to watch really. I See You. ya gotta shit ton of work to do. Now go. and take your appropriateness elsefuckingwhere.

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switch hit

its a beautiful day. the sun is shining the birds are chirping and I’m feeling pretty dern fantastic. that will change. i could change in five seconds it could change in a week but that will change. we cant hang onto or remain attached to feeling “good” all the time. happy all the time joy all the time. every moment is fleeting. i think we run into trouble when we hold one emotion to a higher standard than another. as though happiness is more valuable than sadness. each are equally important, even though one obviously feels ‘better’ than another. but why? what does that really mean…listen friends, i don’t exactly have this down to any sort of fie science. I’m exploring an idea here in this moment with you. what does it really mean, these feelings, what is the difference between these emotions, they are all simply feelings. so I’m doing some digging. for instance i like the feeling of being hot more than i like the feeling of being cold. Why is that? i know its not the same for everyone. lots of people prefer the cold to the heat…why? i cannot abide feeling cold. maybe there is some scientific explanation for this. I’m sure there is. regardless, i place the value of feeling heat above feeling cold. I take comfort in it. why the fuck is that? is it because i feeeeeel more when i am cold? yadder yadder. it would seem i don’t really know where i am going with this conversation today. whatev’s. this is what my brain is up to in this moment and I’m sharing it with you, I’m sure someone out there will grasp my rambling meanderings.so yeah..ummm….take for example a rainy day, some days i enjoy a rainy day, but most times the grey skies make me sad. does that mean on somedays i am simply more comfortable with being sad? lots of people love rainy days…but does that grey sky make them sad as well…in which case do they prefer the feeling of sadness to a sunshiny happy day? does that mean sadness actually makes some of us feel happy? happiness in the sadness? that must be a possibility. and does that mean it is simply a case of what we are comfortable with? is comfort the same as happiness? mmmmmm….i don’t think so. so is it a case of preconditioning? like what we are used to brings us a state of seeming joy, when ist actually just a case of deeply intrenched neuropathways (obv i don’t know exactly what I’m really talking about as i cant even spell that bitch, so please do take everything i say with a grain of salt as I’m simply snuffling about sussing it all out) feel me? i dunno. i guess what I’m saying is everything is fleeting, emotions are ephemeral, so why do we try so damn hard to hang onto the ones we like and resist the ones we dont? maybe ask yourself that the next time (or maybe its this time) you are having an emotion you’re not particularly fond of. sit with it and suss out the truth behind it.

p.s. poetry

olly olly oxen free

oh foolishly
the years spent
weeding out
the ugliness
in me
masochistically

the time
wasted
vanquishing
the monsters
i hide

this relentless
pursuit
to capture
to cast out
the pieces of me
id rather
you not see

i didn’t know
didn’t you know?
I’m everyone
savages we

cry about it why don’t you, fucks sake

Grief is. hmmm. i wanted to say grief is a funny thing but its not really is it? okay so by funny, I’m sure you know what i mean, grief is unpredictable, grief is relenting and relentless when its time to feel whatever it is you need to feel the loss of. you can try to push it away, you can try to ‘suck it up’….(do your best not to do this btw…the suck it up thing, harmful in the long run) you can try to pretend you don’t feel it. but grief is there, all of us have it, all of us. I’m talking about grief in the traditional mourning the loss of a loved one sense, but I’m also talking about the other kind of grief. the kind of grief when you realize someone isn’t who you thought they were, the type of grief that comes with heartbreak, the type of grief that comes with a new job, the leaving of something behind, the loss of something held close to your heart.the putting your hand over your heart and feeling what needs to be felt, mourning the loss of who you were before she traumatic event, or not so traumatic event. change means loss, and we forget to grieve that. okay listen, I haven’t entirely grasped this whole “life’ thing, never truly will no one can. I’m just stumbling through it like the rest of ya’ll. so my ideas and thoughts aren’t fully formed around any one concept, i am malleable. i am not set in my ways, but i gotta tell, this grief thing. it really is something. think about it…you had to throw out your favourite pair of shoes….and that in itself is upsetting, but grief? over shoes? okay lets break it down, maybe you spent years in those same shoes, hell maybe even a decade (it happens) but now they are threadbare, they’ve been shoe goo’ed to the point that they are now nothing but shoe goo and duct tape has gotten involved, now you truly have to let them go. sniffle. bye shoes. but then your kind of depressed, but you don’t equate it to the loss of shoes…youre kind of angry….nothing to do with the damn shoes, you re sad….but the shoes no, cant be right…okay lets look at this, say you bought those shoes with your ex girlfriend, who you really did love, but it didn’t work out and she left you, and the only thing you have had left of her are those shoes, but you didn’t even know that till you looked closer at your emotions after said loss of the stupid fucking shoes, but holy shit hallelujah revelation see it see it see it feeeeel it baby, you’re not just losing the shoes, you are now grieving the loss of that girlfriend all these years later. Why? because you never really grieved losing her. So now that the last piece of that relationship has been tossed in the trash, well here goes funny ol grief making you all full of the feeeeeeelings. Cry. wail. sob. heave. don’t push it away. just sit with it. feel what that grief feels like in your body. in your heart. in your gut, maybe in your left toe…. it will hurt and thats okay, life fucking hurts. it hurts way more to keep pushing that grief away though. and when you throw out the damn shoes, and feel that grief, you are letting go of something you don’t need to hang onto anymore. and there is freedom and healing in that. and the poetry. thanks for reading ❤
precise sutures

the first thing you cut out
is the heat at the heart
of the wound
you will
without question
gouge deep

this will not be a choice.
cold may replace hot, nature abhors a void

all days
ever after spent
finding your way
back to that splinter
so desperately hacked and cast off

when you suss out
the crux that cut
you must
stitch same said agony back in
regardless of decades
and what you were so sure of

this is an ugly business.  use good thread and take time while conducting this surgery.

Step 2 freestyle digging

so I’ve been following along with jeff goins emails for the 500 word a day 31 day challenge. If you haven’t checked him out yet, do it, right here. He has kicked my procrastination right in the ass. Todays tip was to free write. Now here is a secret. This what i do anyway!! I do have to stop myself from going back and re reading what i just wrote, i am mindful off that. But here is a tip: don’t do that. Just write. Now the other cool thing about free writing is it makes for an excellent therapeutic tool. So i guess this post has turned into step two of my unsolicited advice givingness. After you’ve followed through with step one which you can find here. Proceed with this: take five minutes of your time to free write, just type scribble scribe your little heart out for 5 minutes. Set a timer if you need to and f your just not cool at this point with giving yourself more than five minutes of personal time. and then you’re gonna let it flow. Just allow your thoughts and write them down, the good the bad, the ugly (remember i said I’m a fan of cliches?) So what i mean is this type of thing “oh the damn cat needs food, where did i put those photos from 20 years ago i always put things where i cant find them why hasn’t my dad called me in three months, fuck i suck at keeping track of things, i really want some chocolate, why cant never do anything right, if i could just stop procrastinating i could get shit done, the toilet needs scrubbing, god i wonder what that chick from high school is up to these days, i ate to much chocolate, i have no self control, really want to learn how to become a writer but i suck at writing and i don’t know where to begin, i wish i would have gone to university to be an environmental scientist but its too late for me to start something new…..blah blah blah. Okay so here is my point, when you free write in that style (though i don’t necessarily suggest that for a blog or novel or whatever it is you want to write about) in an effort to be more mindful this is a great direction to go in. and it is the direction i am going in for this post, and I’m not editing anything for 31 days, cause thats the name of the game for this challenge. You then can look back at what the hell runs through your head when you are not being conscious of your thinking. You can monitor your monkey mind and perhaps pinpoint some key thoughts that are fucking up your chi, zen, hey you get off of my cloud happy place. Thoughts that you didn’t even know were there. Negative self criticisms and anxieties that are fucking with your otherwise sunny day. Why is this good to do? Because if you know you’re having these thoughts youre on your way to changing them. You have to be conscious of that little hamster spinning its wheel before you can figure out which thoughts you want to feed and which thoughts you need to acknowledge, get to the roots of, and feel. Yes folks at the end of the day its all about feeling. You’ve got to feel it to heal it. Its wonderful for people to go around touting the old “let it go” slice of craptastci. but here is the thing: you cant let go of something if you don’t know what fuck it is you’re hanging onto in the first place. So if something angers you, if something causes you to feel said, you have to look at the emotion under that. What is at the root of that emotion? is it disappointment? okay, so what is under that disappointment. Is is sorrow? what is under that sorrow? dig deep. You feel me? So yeah, um start with step one (you will find that in an earlier post) and then move to free writing to help you figure out what is going on in that beautiful brain of yours. For me to carve out the free space to do this, i actually wear a plastic tiara. true story. why the hell do i do that you ask? so that if anyone approaches me in my house that may interrupt this free wheeling writing time, they see the tiara and stop themselves. If they do not, i simply point to it “the queen is writing” and carry on, i don’t miss a beat because i have removed any and all feelings of guilt or obligation by clearly stating that THIS MEANS IM WRITING and i am giving no shits about anything other than what i am doing right at this moment. Go get a toque, tiara, alien ball headband, double beer can cap, seriously whatever floats your boat, and tell your people this piece of hear gear means no interruptus meiticus. I know, its very grand, but thats okay, what could be more grand than figuring out who you are and how you tick? There might be no more important thing in this life of yours.  Thanks for reading my rambling ways ❤

 

P.S. Heres some poetry

Dig

On a clear day

Out of thin air

you pull the pain

like pulling weeds

like an amateur

you fail

to dig out the roots

instead

in your haste to

“get on with it”

you pluck

and you savour

and you fucking wallow

and leave allowance

for regrowth

unaware

that every. single. time.

you pluck that weed

to keep your hands clean

you strengthen the roots

of what you do not

want to grow.

stop taking pride in being too busy. enough already.

Friends, there are a few of you that I am worried about.

Then of course i worry about worrying which is beside the point and a topic of conversation for a whole other blog post. Do me a fave and remind me of that later K?

Anyway, what was i saying? oh yeah, Those friends whose behaviour has been concerning me. Really folks its this big fat glorification of busy that has me shaking my head and my fist. Listen, some of you really need to slow down. Ya’ll need to hear this: you aren’t here to work till you drop. I just cant see the point of this entire thing we call the universe solely existing for the purpose of how many hours you can work in a week come home feed the kids take em to playgroup, soccer, hockey band camp, tuba lessons, swim class, zoomba fit, power yoga, spend all your money on a boosted juice (cause the bitches cost a lot, are you kidding me I’m not working an hour for a damn juice) tick tocko punch the clocko  cant do anything cause all your time is spent making money and all your money is spent making up for the lost time YOU CANT BUY BACK TIME. Once its done its done. So here is the bottom line, I’m watching you all run around in this crazy race, doing the look at me dance. The “heres a list of the 10 bajillion things i did this week to fill the void that knows deep down that this isn’t what life is all about but validate how valuable i am based on my level of exhaustion, did you know i make my own fucking cheese while working 13 jobs and raising 8 kids and i have 3 cats and two dogs and volunteer at the old folks home 10 days a weeeeeeeeek” JUST STOPPIT. You know the only time y’all slow down is when you get sick, the only time you allow yourselves to rest is when youre so run down that your body turns on you and then and only then will you curl up in a huddled ball of snot and relax. and you know what? i know half of you cant even not feel guilty about doing nothing EVEN THEN. Little rat brain all a scurry. So lets cultivate the art of doing nothing. I don’t mean do nothing all the time. But sheesh people give yourselves a break, you deserve it. You haven’t sat down for five minutes completely silently to yourself for months. Start there. Go to your bedroom, get in your car and drive to the middle of nowhere, hide in your back yard, stand in your goddamned closet if thats where you have to start, and take 5 fucking minutes to do nothing but breathe. Heres what you’re going to do, set a timer and for 5 minutes breathe in to the count of four and out to the count of five. Do that for one week. And for chris sake if you cant commit to giving yourself heaven forbid 5 minutes a day for one week, just start with today. go do it. right now. Let me say it again, you deserve it. Can you feel me? I hope so. Because I care about you. Thanks for reading ❤

 

P.S. Heres a poem.

Ode to J.Livingston Seagull

you’ve  mistaken my intention

I am rising

up and out of this

glitter clatter

out from under the glare

of these false sunshines

out of from under

this constant barrage of constant

up and into

the sweet thin air

where i can breathe

where my companions

the inaudible stars

wait to greet me

with offerings of solitude

and sanctuary

I am rising

preparing

to soar

sigh

did you ever think about something that bothered you for years and years or days or weeks or whatever, and chewed and stewed and mulled it over and obsessed till it became some all encompassing obsession, thorn in your side thing that was just holding you back and then decided one day enough was enough and confronted the situation/person/obstacle in hopes of moving forward in this lifetime and maybe turning a new page to find that the outcome you had hoped for was actually horribly not what you had wanted to happen, and maybe you didnt even get a chance to finish your sentence before the whole idea was crushed while you stood there saying but but but WAIT STOP!!!! This is not how this conversation was supposed to go. I was supposed to say one thing and then you say this other thing and we go back and forth and the issue is resolved and everything becomes yay wheee happy happy and we all live happily ever after, but what really happens is an even worse situation than the one you started out with in the first place and now not only are you not happy but now a bunch of other people arent happy simply because you never even got to explain wtf you were talking about in the first place because people have lost the art of learning how to listen.