judgey mcsmirchers

an environment of exclusion hiding in plain side, masquerading as one of inclusion. they are all around us. sheeeeesh lowisss now that right there sounds like i require a tinfoil hat (waves hands in the air ”theyre all around us they’re all around us”) yes i see that but let me raise you a do you see that? Lemme splain. Workplaces coffee shops bars families groups clubs centres all of the all the things m’kay? Im going to try to sway to the positive side but i may venture into the shitty little truth of the matter. All of these various social settings, environments ( for lack of a better words that i cant seem to wrap my noggin around at the moment) that you fell at home in or included in or a part of maybe you feel at ease there, maybe you try to but secretly harbour in your pocket that little weasel bitch self doubt nibbling away at your guts. your know your gut, the one that always knows when something or someone is not quite copacetic. Your gut, not your head or your heart, but deeeeeep in the middle of your middle. That part of you knows, if you change one single thing, you may be cast out if you stray from the mark one iota it becomes all ugly duckling and you might just be shunned. or its been happening the whole time and those people who play at being “your tribe” aint. or really they are but they judge the shit out of everything and everyone, and maybe you in fact are one of those people. If you are and you know you are and you know you are just kind of shitty to people all around, fucks sakes stoppit. I really don’t care how amazing you are, that does not make you better than that person who makes less money than you, isn’t quite as composed as you isn’t quite as “normal” as you or is too “normal” (yes people do this too) I’m right there with the rest of us, we all pull out our pointy fingers and shoot our judgement guns at people all willy nilly sometimes, when we aren’t quite awake or aware in that moment of smuggery. But hey, lets do our best not to be self righteous assholes okay. Even now some people might be reading this and judging the shit out of my grammatically incorrectness. hhhhm hhhhme hmmm you might be saying snicker snicker what the firk does she think she’s doing spewing out this nonsense. Welllllll, I’m going to do it anyway, and you there judging me, well lookeee here at me judging you right back. Vicious little cycle isn’t it!! So i guess the whole point of my running diatribe is actually do your best to be inclusive, don’t pretend to be inclusive. don’t be all bullshitty with your i love everyones. try. to. be. kind. ya know what? you will feel a whole lot better about yourself if you do…so think of it as being selfish if thats what ya need….and by being kind even though your intent is to feel better about yourself, well shit damn thats going to work anyway! Thanks for reading, and hey if you wanna judge, I’m okay with that. But extra super big thanks to those of you who aren’t.

P.S. Prose today

Hows That for Grammatically Incorrect

i think you think because i choose to use “colourful” expressions like ya gotta shit ton and great balls of fuckery and fuck in varying degrees of infucktion with relish and gusto and that with pure joy I will ride a plastic dolphin in a two piece bikini chuggin a king can with a smoke hanging out the side of my mouth simply for the fuck of it that its okay for you to call me trailer. i think you think that that I am just a bit less than you. Well little darlin, I see your smuggery and I raise you the bird. you perfectly waxed and polished terd. like you don’t poop. Now Listen. about that plate of shit you dole out so fervently and carelessly passing down to each and everyone around you. your rotten gifts of judgement and condemfuckingnation self serve you a foul purpose. rotting you festering. on the inside where you allow no good deed left unpunished. no stray glee left unmolested. I can smell it on your breath, your bitter decay. each and every stray hair that dare to poke out from the mould you pluck promptly. efficiently.  its painful to watch really. I See You. ya gotta shit ton of work to do. Now go. and take your appropriateness elsefuckingwhere.

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switch hit

its a beautiful day. the sun is shining the birds are chirping and I’m feeling pretty dern fantastic. that will change. i could change in five seconds it could change in a week but that will change. we cant hang onto or remain attached to feeling “good” all the time. happy all the time joy all the time. every moment is fleeting. i think we run into trouble when we hold one emotion to a higher standard than another. as though happiness is more valuable than sadness. each are equally important, even though one obviously feels ‘better’ than another. but why? what does that really mean…listen friends, i don’t exactly have this down to any sort of fie science. I’m exploring an idea here in this moment with you. what does it really mean, these feelings, what is the difference between these emotions, they are all simply feelings. so I’m doing some digging. for instance i like the feeling of being hot more than i like the feeling of being cold. Why is that? i know its not the same for everyone. lots of people prefer the cold to the heat…why? i cannot abide feeling cold. maybe there is some scientific explanation for this. I’m sure there is. regardless, i place the value of feeling heat above feeling cold. I take comfort in it. why the fuck is that? is it because i feeeeeel more when i am cold? yadder yadder. it would seem i don’t really know where i am going with this conversation today. whatev’s. this is what my brain is up to in this moment and I’m sharing it with you, I’m sure someone out there will grasp my rambling meanderings.so yeah..ummm….take for example a rainy day, some days i enjoy a rainy day, but most times the grey skies make me sad. does that mean on somedays i am simply more comfortable with being sad? lots of people love rainy days…but does that grey sky make them sad as well…in which case do they prefer the feeling of sadness to a sunshiny happy day? does that mean sadness actually makes some of us feel happy? happiness in the sadness? that must be a possibility. and does that mean it is simply a case of what we are comfortable with? is comfort the same as happiness? mmmmmm….i don’t think so. so is it a case of preconditioning? like what we are used to brings us a state of seeming joy, when ist actually just a case of deeply intrenched neuropathways (obv i don’t know exactly what I’m really talking about as i cant even spell that bitch, so please do take everything i say with a grain of salt as I’m simply snuffling about sussing it all out) feel me? i dunno. i guess what I’m saying is everything is fleeting, emotions are ephemeral, so why do we try so damn hard to hang onto the ones we like and resist the ones we dont? maybe ask yourself that the next time (or maybe its this time) you are having an emotion you’re not particularly fond of. sit with it and suss out the truth behind it.

p.s. poetry

olly olly oxen free

oh foolishly
the years spent
weeding out
the ugliness
in me
masochistically

the time
wasted
vanquishing
the monsters
i hide

this relentless
pursuit
to capture
to cast out
the pieces of me
id rather
you not see

i didn’t know
didn’t you know?
I’m everyone
savages we

cry about it why don’t you, fucks sake

Grief is. hmmm. i wanted to say grief is a funny thing but its not really is it? okay so by funny, I’m sure you know what i mean, grief is unpredictable, grief is relenting and relentless when its time to feel whatever it is you need to feel the loss of. you can try to push it away, you can try to ‘suck it up’….(do your best not to do this btw…the suck it up thing, harmful in the long run) you can try to pretend you don’t feel it. but grief is there, all of us have it, all of us. I’m talking about grief in the traditional mourning the loss of a loved one sense, but I’m also talking about the other kind of grief. the kind of grief when you realize someone isn’t who you thought they were, the type of grief that comes with heartbreak, the type of grief that comes with a new job, the leaving of something behind, the loss of something held close to your heart.the putting your hand over your heart and feeling what needs to be felt, mourning the loss of who you were before she traumatic event, or not so traumatic event. change means loss, and we forget to grieve that. okay listen, I haven’t entirely grasped this whole “life’ thing, never truly will no one can. I’m just stumbling through it like the rest of ya’ll. so my ideas and thoughts aren’t fully formed around any one concept, i am malleable. i am not set in my ways, but i gotta tell, this grief thing. it really is something. think about it…you had to throw out your favourite pair of shoes….and that in itself is upsetting, but grief? over shoes? okay lets break it down, maybe you spent years in those same shoes, hell maybe even a decade (it happens) but now they are threadbare, they’ve been shoe goo’ed to the point that they are now nothing but shoe goo and duct tape has gotten involved, now you truly have to let them go. sniffle. bye shoes. but then your kind of depressed, but you don’t equate it to the loss of shoes…youre kind of angry….nothing to do with the damn shoes, you re sad….but the shoes no, cant be right…okay lets look at this, say you bought those shoes with your ex girlfriend, who you really did love, but it didn’t work out and she left you, and the only thing you have had left of her are those shoes, but you didn’t even know that till you looked closer at your emotions after said loss of the stupid fucking shoes, but holy shit hallelujah revelation see it see it see it feeeeel it baby, you’re not just losing the shoes, you are now grieving the loss of that girlfriend all these years later. Why? because you never really grieved losing her. So now that the last piece of that relationship has been tossed in the trash, well here goes funny ol grief making you all full of the feeeeeeelings. Cry. wail. sob. heave. don’t push it away. just sit with it. feel what that grief feels like in your body. in your heart. in your gut, maybe in your left toe…. it will hurt and thats okay, life fucking hurts. it hurts way more to keep pushing that grief away though. and when you throw out the damn shoes, and feel that grief, you are letting go of something you don’t need to hang onto anymore. and there is freedom and healing in that. and the poetry. thanks for reading ❤
precise sutures

the first thing you cut out
is the heat at the heart
of the wound
you will
without question
gouge deep

this will not be a choice.
cold may replace hot, nature abhors a void

all days
ever after spent
finding your way
back to that splinter
so desperately hacked and cast off

when you suss out
the crux that cut
you must
stitch same said agony back in
regardless of decades
and what you were so sure of

this is an ugly business.  use good thread and take time while conducting this surgery.

genuine

my smile is my armour. i guess. sometimes. i recently had someone mention while on vacation how strong a person i was. he was referring to the fact that throughout the week i had a smile on my face overtime he looked at me. i think that was what he was referring to, as that was the topic at hand. who knows though, i am assuming. i never did ask for clarification. i just laughed and said thank you. funny how we can sometimes say thank you, but not truly understand what we are thanking someone for. its the same as an apology, how often have you apologized with no true idea or understanding why you are apologizing…i digress, as i do. Smile. thats where i was going with this. i smile. i have heard it referenced a number of times, that i keep smiling. at times i am truly happy…but sometimes…when I’m truly stressed to the max i smile so hard my body aches. my muscles hence, my jaw hurts. its my armour. if i keep smiling i receive (generally) smiles in return. so thats a good thing, right? a friend passed on this saying to me, which was passed onto him by someone he used to work for. where it can from i have no idea, if you know please do let me know. the saying goes…well actually its more of a riddle…the more you give away the more you get in return…answer: smiles. Now thats beautiful!! So i do like to keep that one in my pocket. More flies with honey right? welllllll you catch the most flies with bullshit, but thats another blog post. smiles. if you look in the mirror and smile at yourself, guess what? well folks, guess what? you get a smile in return!!! and so despite my smiling issue when I’m stressed, it actually does help relieve the stress. maybe on some fucked up level stress makes me happy, stranger things have happened. I’m sure there is a very simple psychological study that correlates to that. some stress serotonin trigger or something. who knows, not me!! but even taking about all this smiling is, guess what? Yep sure enough its putting a goddamn smile on my face. a trick i have been using as well, i read it somewhere, don’t ask me where, i dunno. but i read that when you are walking down the street, count the smiles. look for the smiling faces. then you are focusing on the joy around you instead of walking around focusing on all the scowly grumpuses. that just fucks up your day. i never noticed before how many people around me are actually smiling until i started using this little technique. it works. pfffft of course it works! its all what you seek isn’t it? lets get all 90’s and quote some pearl jam ‘what you fear the most will meet you half way” ( listen i don’t know if thats an eddie original or not, if not feel free to correct me, i really cant be bothered to look it up right now ‘kay.) so if we spin that lyric on its head and dissect it a bit, the meaning is that what we are looking for is looking for us right? so I’m going to look for smiles, and wear one as often as i have a mind to. who doesn’t love to smile? well I’m sure lots of people, but whatev’s this is my blog and i wanna genuine smile. thanks for reading you lovelies ❤ heres a bit of poetry cause i like the poetries.

Oh Good How Are You

I long for a day
undappled by
these fickle salutations
these untraceable poisons
the lies disguising the roar
behind the smiles
that don’t quite reach our eyes

you are not your yesterdays

I will never be the same person i was yesterday. I will also never spray my lawn with herbicides and pesticides. How do these two things relate you ask? I want to allow for naturally occurring growth. Plus i like dandelions. You feel me?

Okay let me break it down a bit. when i woke up this morning i have the same hair teeth body feet palms of both hands. Well maybe i got a haircut. so that would have been something within my realm of control to change about my appearance, so not the same as yesterday. But I’m talking about the bigger picture here. Even if no giant thing happened yesterday that led to some aha!! I see things clearly now, i understand the meaning of life! I had a moment of epiphany and now it all makes sense! Even if i didn’t have one of those momemnts, i am still not the same person i was yesterday. Little moments throughout even the most mundane of days add up to change. They add up to cells sloughing off throughout my house adding to the layer of dust on my grandmothers antique furniture that i hang on to for god know what reason…thats another blog post, let me rewind my thoughts back around to my point…what the hell is my point? hmm. okay. I will never be the same person i was yesterday because we are constantly changing, evolving hanging onto to or at best letting go of what need be let go of, eternally evolving. we have to, i have to, i want to do let go of the past in order to live now. so why do i keep ruminating over and over what happened yesterday? last week last month last year when i can’t undo or redo any of those moments that my brain somehow wants to rearrange, chew and stew on over and over as though if i could just put those pieces into some discernible order i could file it into some sort of brain file that my ego is satisfied with. ah yes here is where that goes i can move forward now that I’ve thought that memory into grey tatters of what never really was in the first place. what we remember as having happened didn’t really happen that was anyway, its only our interpretation of events. So my point is, if we can allow ourselves the freedom of knowing that today we are not the same people we were yesterday, we are free to be whoever it is we want to be today. See how that lifts a burden? You don’t have to hang on to yours and others’ preconceived notions of “this is who i am”. You are not your yesterdays. you are your right now. Placing those yesterdays on your todays is much the same as spraying those chemicals on your lawn, Its an attempt to control what is naturally occuring. Growth and change. You can build upon those yesterdays, but those yesterdays are not who you are today. Allow yourself to begin again, everyday.

I should probably edit this, but in the spirit of moving forward, and in  the spirit of writing and unedited 500 words a day for 31 days, ima just carry on. Thanks for reading ❤

P.S. Here is a poem that kind of sums up what I’m trying to say in a tidy package

Nest 

we are constantly being reborn

giving birth to ourselves

building nests

cocoons

rejecting nests built for us and by us and those not yet created

constructed

tearing down

demolishing

nests cocoons webs

gestating

building waiting destroying hatching rising birthing

gathering

rebuilding

making things “just so”

or shirking those conventions

transforming

nests to strengthen our wings

nests to shelter and to hide

to nurture

to be born and be reborn

birthing ourselves

constantly becoming

subtly

or drastically

altered

it may be

why we can never clearly truthfully honestly

recall the past, what has passed

like a dream

we are reborn

from this moment

to this moment.

No-one knows what they’re doing until they do

Lemme let you in on a little secret. I don’t know what I’m doing. maybe some of you have figured that out already, if you have read my last two posts you may be on to me. But here is the kicker. Im doing it anyway. So i guess you could look at it this way, its the old fake it till you make it, or if you’ve watched that amazing ted talk (if you haven’t you could do yourself a favour and watch it here) fake it till you become it. So being a fan of cliche’s (which are apparently a no no when writing, but whatevs) I’m giving it the old college try. I have spent a lifetime of not doing the things that make my heart sing because of that little secret.But here is something I’ve figured out: no-one started out knowing what the were doing. Every amazing accomplishement started with someone taking that first step. Reaching into the unknown and grabbing on to whatever they could get a grip on. So here i go. I have basically no formal writing training. I did take a part time college course way way back on travel writing and I’ve also been writing poetry since i was eleven, but does that qualify me to do anything? Nope. Is writing this blog paying me anything? Nope. Is anyone reading this? i dunno, we shall see. But I’m not writing this for anyone else but me. So what is it you have always wanted to do? Think abut that. Write it down. Maybe you have a whole fistful of dreams you’ve never dared to let fly out of the grip of all the naysaying voices in and out of you’re head. Write them all down. Then what you’re  going to do is narrow that list down to one thing you can start doing right now. Is there a trip you’ve always wanted to take? Start saving right now, don’t buy that $4 cuppa and put that money in a drawer, under your mattress, in a piggy bank, in an old pb jar. Start there. If money is not the issue, then what is holding you back? Write a list of what is stopping you. Then cross those reasons off that list one by one and buy that fucking ticket. Get up off your ass and get out the door. Always wanted to write a novel? Well lookeee loo, start the 500 word a day challenge, thats what I’m doing as we speak. I know you may not know what your doing, but like i said, neither do I and I’m doing it anyway. Stop thinking of all the reasons why you cant and pick one reason why you need to. Your heart, soul, spirit that big giant something greater than all the no’s is telling you yes. So yes! You will make mistakes. Who cares? Everyone makes mistakes. If someone has you convinced that they don’t, well honey they are full of shit. We all stumble through the door on occasion the only thing that matters is that you walk through that door. Thanks for reading ❤

P.S. Seeing as poetry really is my thing, here is a poem.

Dullbulb

that dust you gather

that light you shut out

and all that standing still

possessing the trappings

of a convincing lampshade

invest in some dingle balls

spice it up a bit at least

fucks sake